Drinking From A Firehose

A few months ago when the truth of God’s character started to deeply impact my heart and my thinking I began growing and learning in ways I had never known. Although I recognized immediate changes each step of the way, it has taken time for God’s truth to sink in and start to make deep changes to the untruths and lack of faith that was so deeply ingrained into many areas of my life. I had still believed that my sin was keeping me from a righteous relationship with God instead of understanding that Christ has set me free and changed me forever.

Lately I feel like I have been drinking from a firehose. I have been growing and learning so much, so fast. The changes are things I can’t even put words to yet, but daily I am becoming more profoundly aware of the Lord’s presence in my life and the changes that are occurring.

I watched the Matrix the other night. I feel like Neo did in the movie as his mind was being opened to the truth of the real world versus the lies he had known and thought were real. Morpheus challenged Neo and pushed him. In explanation he said, “I’m trying to free your mind, Neo. But I can only show you the door. You’re the one that has to walk through it.”

That is very similar to what the Lord wants to do for us. He wants to free us from the things we have believed and the limited views we have known. He wants to open our minds to truth, possibilities, and opportunities. He wants us to become the people he has created us to be. It is up to us to believe and to walk in his truth. Faith is more than just asking and hoping, it is walking as if the prayer has been answered and we are changed. Morpheus later told him, “Neo, sooner or later you’re going to realize, just as I did, that there’s a difference between knowing the path and walking the path.” I believe there are many like me who have made a commitment to Christ in the past, but who never learned how to move from knowing to walking the Christian faith out in a powerful way in their everyday life. Many of us have never been taught how to live as Christians who are radically altered by the Gospel.

The more I come to understand 1) Who he is 2) Who I am because of what Christ did and how that made me a new creation, it is radically altering my life. I have never known the freedom, joy, hope, love, power, and strength that I know live with. It is my prayer that others will also find this truth. Not only will it change their lives, but I truly believe that what I am learning about is the Gospel that Christ promised would change the world.

 

Understanding the Difference Between Forgiveness and Reconciliation

I have been reflecting on the differences between forgiveness and reconciliation and the Biblical support for both. My heart conviction is that because I have been forgiven by the Lord I understand forgiveness. I have been reconciled to him. As he has changed and altered my life and heart I am now able and called to give forgiveness to others, offer them grace, and work toward reconciliation. With the Lord at the center of the relationship I truly believe forgiveness and reconciliation is not only possible but necessary between two believers. Many I talk to do not share this same conviction though. They feel it is okay to say “enough is enough” and walk away from a relationship. They feel it is okay to create boundaries that keep the others at bay. While I am a strong support of discipline, boundaries, and accountability I believe these are only successful when done in love and with a heart of teaching others rather than building walls.

Steve Cornell has posted a good Biblically based article on Forgiveness and Reconciliation at his blog. Check it out for the full article, but here are two lists he posts: Actions the offender needs to take, and Guidelines for the offended.

The offender:

1. Accepts full responsibility for his or her actions. (Instead of: “Since you think I’ve done something wrong…” or “If have done anything to offend you…”).
2. Accepts accountability from others.
3. Does not continue in the hurtful behavior or anything associated with it.
4. Does not have a defensive attitude about his or her being in the wrong.
5. Does not have a light attitude toward his or her hurtful behavior.
6. Does not resent doubts about his or her sincerity- nor the need to demonstrate sincerity. (Especially in cases involving repeated offenses)
7. Makes restitution wherever necessary.

For those who are hesitant to reconcile: Ten Guidelines to consider

It is common for those who have been seriously hurt to feel hesitant about reconciling with their offenders. When your offender is genuinely repentant, however, it is important to open yourself to the possibility of restoration. Remember, Jesus spoke about reconciliation with a sense of urgency (see Matthew 5:23-24). If you are hesitant to reconcile, work through the ten guidelines on the next pages.

1.     Be honest about your motives
2.     Be humble in your attitude
3.     Be prayerful about the situation
4. Be willing to admit ways you might have contributed to the problem
5.     Be honest with the offender
6.     Be objective about your hesitancy
7.     Be clear about the guidelines for restoration
8.     Be realistic about the process
9.     Be mindful of God’s control
10.  Be alert to Satan’s schemes

 

Changing Thinking 9)Letting Go Of Offense

Have you ever been offended by someone? Of course you have! I have too. It is a natural part of life because each of us is a unique individual that has different views, experiences, and opinions. We also get distracted, stressed, impatient, moody, sick, etc. and can sometimes say things in less that the best ways or receive things from others in ways they were not meant. All of this leaves us with the ability to be offended.

So, person X has just offended you. It happened. You are stuck with what happened because we have not developed a means of time travel. The situation occurred and how you have to live with it.

You have just been handed the ball and have been forced into the game. What do you do with that offense?

Do you choose to shut people out?

John 20:23 – When we don’t forgive others, we are holding on to offense.

Often we take offense — even when it’s not ours to take. The opportunity to take offense will come our way. We don’t have to go looking for it. When we do, we find offense in places where there is little or no cause for it. This is not simply foolishness, it is dangerous. It can lead to an overblown sense of victimization. Those who constantly take offense begin to feel as if life is not fair or that the world is out to get them. This mindset is diametrically opposed to Jesus declaration that Christians should “rejoice and be glad” when persecuted by the world (Matthew 5:11-12).

We must proactively forgive those who offend us, whether that offense is real or merely perceived.

Otherwise, we play the part of the angry, bitter, reactionary victim. In that state of mind, we cannot respond with patience and love. Instead, we respond in a manner that genuinely gives offense. This is true in society, church and family. Taking offense leads to conflict, strife and separation. It is the tool of the enemy. We must live differently if we have been changed by the gospel and by Christ’s love and sacrifice for us.

The enemy is going after our heart. He wants us to hate, hurt, lie, cheat, steal, deceive, and walk in brokenness. He wants us to be offended. Holding offense in our heart weakens it and makes it sick. Offense is a toxic element that poisons us from deep within. It will weaken our perseverance, shorten our patience, and reduce our capacity to love and to forgive. It will stand as a barrier between you and God. Hearts that hold offense grow cold and dull. With offense we are unable to receive fully from the Lord and to accept his blessings and holiness.

People are often unaware of the offenses they carry. It may come from judgements, convictions, or agreements made a long time ago. It is the hardening of our heart against a person, people group, gender, ethnic group, or culture. Holding onto offense will also lead us into sin over and over again. We need to address our offenses fully and completely by admitting them, renouncing them, repenting (which not only means letting go, but turning to God), standing against future offense, and resisting any temptation or opportunity to pick up the offense again.

We can be healed, released, and restored, but only through the Cross.

This Week: Forgive those who have offended you, just as God forgives our offenses. Resist the temptation to give in to the offenses of the world. Refuse to allow offense to live in your heart and poison you and your relationships.

 

Great Post: Oh Yeah, Well, I’m Going To Scream About How Great You Are

I love this post from Sarah Cunningham, Oh Yeah, Well, I’m Going To Scream About How Great You Are.

I am thinking about how this would impact the American Church if we treat others this way instead of with the Elder Brother Disease. I think I want to move to Africa!

http://www.sarahcunningham.org/change-is-cheap/oh-yeah-well-im-going-to-scream-about-how-great-you-are

 

The Blackmail of Abuse

Back in November I posted about the trap of silence that can occur in situations of abuse. Will a child be believed if they share that their parent is abusing them? Will the victim of verbal or emotional abuse be believed if they speak out, especially if there is no evidence to support their claim?

Another related feeling or experience that victims can go through is feeling emotionally blackmailed. If they speak out, they may be labeled as being rebellious, distorting things, telling lies, seeking to destroy reputations, and causing damage/disunity to families, organizations, friends, etc. Often they are told by abusers that they cannot or should not share because it could hurt the abuser. The abuser has injured the victim in the first place, and then locks them into a situation of silence. This is an especially strong tool because often abuse is perpetrated by those who are close to the victim, so the victim does not want to cause pain or dishonor to the abuser.

The situation where the abuser is in a position of authority (adult over adult) and uses that authority to coerce the other person into silence or to walk out certain behaviors is similar to blackmail. Words are very powerful things. The book of James tells Christians to guard their tongues because they can be used to both praise God, and to hurt man. The responsibility of what we speak is something that should weigh heavy on our hearts. We need to be very cautious of what we say and why we share it, knowing that we have the ability to choose what we say. Things should be shared only with a heart of love, grace, and redemption but often there is so much pain, anger, frustration, and such deeply charged emotions that this is not possible.

Silence is not always the answer though. In fact, sometimes it is the wrong answer because it just covers up the issue rather than bringing it to light so it can be dealt with and so lives can be changed, healed, and brought to emotional and spiritual health. Sometimes the harder, most loving, and most important decision is to speak out, to share the story, and to walk through even more difficult things to have the truth be known. Sometimes it is the only way things change. Sometimes it is the way to forgive. The change may not be for the abuser, it might be for the victim. It might be that the victim has done some things that they need to be held accountable for or has some areas where they need to learn and grow. Whether the truth opens doors for the victim, the abuser, or both to receive help and for healing to occur it can be a good thing. Speaking out often though will bring the opposite result. It will often end any hope of reconciliation and restoration. It can scar the reputations of those involved for years to come.

The more I learn about dealing with relational conflict the more I see how important it is to deal with any issues very early in a relationship. God made us to be in relationship with each other and to walk in unity and peace. Distorted, broken, and hurt-filled relationships do not please him and make our lives very difficult. We need to walk in humility and love. This can only happen as our hearts are changed.

 

Understanding forgiveness

In my counseling experience I have seen that there is no greater impediment to change than the unwillingness to seek and grant forgiveness. The lack of forgiveness causes us to fight God rather than submit to him and causes us to stand against rather than with one another. (War of Words by Paul David Tripp)

Forgiveness is a key to relationship issues, and it needs to happen on both sides no matter who has been the offender and who has been offended, no matter if sin has been involved or if there is just misunderstanding. When forgiveness is not free offered it stops the relationship and as Paul David Tripp states is impedes further change and can keep reconciliation from happening.

Tripp defines the difference between two different types of forgiveness: judical and relational. He states that forgiveness starts vertically by going to God and letting go.

• Judical forgiveness is the willingness to let go of offenses before God
• Relational forgiveness is the willingness to forgive anyone who comes seeking it

Forgiveness is not easy, but it is clear in Scripture that not only are we called to forgive, but there is a connection between our forgiveness toward others and God’s ability to forgive us.

Don’t fight God, but submit to him, stand with one another, and choose to forgive!

 

The ups and downs of a day on the recovery journey

Today is such a mixture and it is only 10:45 AM.

1. Today is the anniversary of my abuse five years ago. It has been a day of dread for the last three years, but I approached it with joy, hope, and promise today knowing that God has changed my heart and life. I have been so excited for this anniversary because I knew that if it passed without dread that it was proof of Christ’s changes in my life. I was greeted by an amazing full arch rainbow that brought me such joy of God’s promises to us.
2. I started with a quiet time today where I found a level of understanding and surrender of my heart, soul, mind, and strength unlike anything I have known before. It was an amazing time with the Lord and I came away feeling completely different.
3. I went to coffee shop to work and my old pastor came in and approached me. Through a very tense conversation he told me it is clear I have not changed, that I have a divisive heart that is causing disunity in his church because I have refused to stop trying to resolve issues after he has told me to have no further contact with anyone at his church. I have tried to resolve things for seven months and he claims I keep twisting things and cutting off communication. We finally ended up with a counselor on the phone speaking to each of us separately (although the pastor overheard my entire part of the conversation).
4. Now I stand before God again asking him to show me how my heart is not submitted, how I am divisive and disunifying. If there is sin in my life I want it out now! I am done walking this path and I want to change, no matter the cost. If these are things in my life I am blind to them and desperately need help to see them. I have already contacted my new pastor for accountability and support because I do not want to repeat any of these actions. I know I am a sinner and need the Lord’s transformation in my life.

I don’t know what the rest of the day will hold, but even through the difficulty this morning I am still able to stand with confidence that I have changed, that the Lord has transformed my life, and I know I still have work to do in my life but I know that I am on the right path to making that happen. My immediate reaction was to turn to Him in repentance and to ask for him to change me. I desire His truth, His perspective of my life, and obedience to His standards above all else. I wouldn’t have done that in the past and I am so joyful to know that I am making new choices, choices of  hope, redemption, and love.

 

People of the Second Chance

A new ministry has launched that you might want to check out. I don’t know where they will go with it, but I sure love their heart and message of what they want to be. I hope and pray that they will meet a desperate need in God’s church to heal and help those who need grace and help recovering.

People of the Second Chance gives voice to a scandalous movement of radical grace in life and leadership. We challenge the common misconceptions about failure and success and stand with those who have hit rock bottom in their personal and professional lives. We are a community that is committed to stretch ourselves in the areas of relational forgiveness, personal transparency, and advocate for mercy over judgment.

We are not ashamed of our scars, wounds, or failures and leverage them as a source of strength and character development.

People of the Second Chance have experienced a second chance so we  actively support social justice organizations and advocate for the vulnerable, forgotten, and left behind.

We are People of the Second Chance.

You can find them at http://www.potsc.com/about-us/.

 

Changing the Power and Control of Your Past

Have you reached a point where you desire to stop thinking about your past story? Have you struggled to stop thinking about it, resolve it, and get it out of your head? Have you reached a point of acceptance that your story is your story with all the good, bad, and even the unresolved parts?

Here are some steps you might think and work through to take a new step forward.

1. Disconnect from your story – How do you identify with your story? Do you think it defines you, or is it just one aspect of who you are that can be seen from different perspectives? If you think the abuse/trauma/situation you went through or find yourself in is ‘who you are’ then you are giving it control. You are making it the source of direction, power, and focus in your life. Can you adjust your attitude and viewpoint so that you can regain control and perspective keeping any “victim” through patterns at bay?

Some of us like our stories, they give us something to connect with and identify with. For some of us the story gives us a history, uniqueness, distinction, and it can actually become a point that feeds our ego, or gives us a level of control both in situations and even over other people. Only you can decide if you are ready to disconnect from your story and take the next step.

2. Decide if you want to be free – Sometimes sub-consciously we are choosing not to disconnect from our problems and our past, after-all, they are our story. You have to decide whether you want to be free.  Do you want your ongoing mind activity, mixed up feelings, stress, sleeplessness, depression, etc. to end, or you are holding on to it because it is giving you an ego boost, a level of control, or an excuse to stay set in our ways.

Take time to connect deep inside to your core thoughts and feelings. Be honest with yourself and find out if you really are at a point to move on, both forgetting and forgiving. Until you are ready you will not be able to be free. Your problems may be giving you something to do in life, or they may be keeping you from pushing for something different. Are you allowing them to hold you back, or are you choosing to believe your story can actually enable and empower you to be used for something greater?

3. Let go – When we are ready to let go we reach a point of resolve in our heart and our mind to no longer let our story, other people, or circumstances control and dictate our lives. It isn’t just about reaching a point of letting go and being left with empty hands, but it also is reaching a point of taking hold of a new future, a new direction, and a different ongoing story.  Letting go is about leaving what was and embracing to move forward to what will become. It is the first major step in creating a new and different story.

4. Accept your story and your current life – Acceptance means you no longer resist the situation (either the past or the present/current). It doesn’t mean you don’t try to grow, change, and learn from it, but you stop fighting, denying, and avoiding what has already happened and you don’t blame or manipulate the situation. Accepting allows us to let those things that occupy our minds and battle within our souls come to a rest. You won’t have to battle yourself, others, or your past any longer, because instead you allow the memories, thoughts, feelings, and facts to become real, have a place to fit in the painting and fabric of your life, and as they blend in and become part of the bigger picture they lose their prominence as something that stands out, becoming blurred and incorporated into a large and beautiful piece of art.

No matter your faith stance or religious beliefs these steps can help you move past the power and control of your past so you no longer walk with a victim mindset and live in powerlessness. I personally believe that if you incorporate Christ into each of these steps allowing him to have control, to provide freedom, to be what you grab onto when you let go, and give you the strength and surrender to accept your story and life …. Well then you will see a new life, a life that is truly different and transformed. No matter how you walk that journey I hope and pray your life will grow better and you will find beauty, promise, hope, and transformation for a hope-filled and incredible future.

 

Trapped in Silence

One of the struggles that victims of any abuse may suffer from is being trapped in a web of silence. Consider the child whose father has started sexually abusing them. Telling anyone about the abuse speaks against their own father. It could hurt him, damage and change the family, bring insult or accusations against the victim, or the victim may not even be believed.

The same is true with spiritual abuse, but in some ways that trap of silence is even worse because as a Christian your integrity and character are brought into question if you speak out. Some Christians will tell you that it is wrong to speak anything about a leader that could damage their reputation or ministry. What then is the victim to do? Are they trapped in silence forever? Do they have to only tells pieces of their story, hide their identity, or walk without honesty and transparency to protect others who did them injury? It is a very difficult situation to sort through how to love others, be honest, not walk as a victim in destructive silence, and not do things that cause others hurt and pain.

Some of the questions that might be asked regarding breaking the silence are below. I do not believe there is a right answer about how, when, or if you should or can break the silence but there are situations where it should happen.

Is it okay to share the truth? Is there a way that truth can be shared in love?

Will this hurt anyone? Is there a way to tell it that will not hurt them?

Why should I share this? Does truth need to be spoken? Does sin need to be confronted? Does illegal activity need to be revealed?

What is the heart behind telling the story? Are you seeking revenge/reconciliation/protection for others/clearing your name/damage toward another? Does your answer to the last question bring up any red flags regarding why you may want to speak out?

Is there proof regarding the story?

Will others believe the story?

Are you ready for the reaction from others who may be upset by sharing the story?

Do you have anything to hide? Is there any part of the story that you do not want to come out?

Is there a venue for sharing the story that is correct? Would the smallest audience possible be the best place to start?

Are you ready to love, forgive, and find reconciliation with the abusers? Are you willing to go to whatever length necessary to resolve the situation?

Are you in a right relationship with God and do you have Scriptural support for your decision?

 

Recently in a conversation with a counselor about the situation at my last church they came to understand that I felt completely trapped in silence because I do not want to hurt that pastor or that church, while at the same time I am struggling with a great sense of being powerless regarding how to move forward and take the next steps in my recovery and healing. As he processed things he came to realize that what I experienced is similar to rape (if you don’t know the effects on the victim are very similar to rape or incest and recovery is often similar too) and one of the keys for recovery for a rape victim is recovering a sense of power over their lives and circumstances. I have learned that people from that church went to serve last night at a local organization I have served with regularly since leaving that church. I have not yet had to face a group of people from that church but that day may come. Do I need to be the victim and be powerless in that situation? How could I respond in both truth, love, and grace if faced with it.

These are tough questions, but worth wrestling through as the answers reveal a lot about the heart, the areas that still need healing, where you are finding hope, and if you are truly forgiving and moving on.