One of the struggles that victims of any abuse may suffer from is being trapped in a web of silence. Consider the child whose father has started sexually abusing them. Telling anyone about the abuse speaks against their own father. It could hurt him, damage and change the family, bring insult or accusations against the victim, or the victim may not even be believed.
The same is true with spiritual abuse, but in some ways that trap of silence is even worse because as a Christian your integrity and character are brought into question if you speak out. Some Christians will tell you that it is wrong to speak anything about a leader that could damage their reputation or ministry. What then is the victim to do? Are they trapped in silence forever? Do they have to only tells pieces of their story, hide their identity, or walk without honesty and transparency to protect others who did them injury? It is a very difficult situation to sort through how to love others, be honest, not walk as a victim in destructive silence, and not do things that cause others hurt and pain.
Some of the questions that might be asked regarding breaking the silence are below. I do not believe there is a right answer about how, when, or if you should or can break the silence but there are situations where it should happen.
| Is it okay to share the truth? Is there a way that truth can be shared in love? |
| Will this hurt anyone? Is there a way to tell it that will not hurt them? |
| Why should I share this? Does truth need to be spoken? Does sin need to be confronted? Does illegal activity need to be revealed? |
| What is the heart behind telling the story? Are you seeking revenge/reconciliation/protection for others/clearing your name/damage toward another? Does your answer to the last question bring up any red flags regarding why you may want to speak out? |
| Is there proof regarding the story? |
| Will others believe the story? |
| Are you ready for the reaction from others who may be upset by sharing the story? |
| Do you have anything to hide? Is there any part of the story that you do not want to come out? |
| Is there a venue for sharing the story that is correct? Would the smallest audience possible be the best place to start? |
| Are you ready to love, forgive, and find reconciliation with the abusers? Are you willing to go to whatever length necessary to resolve the situation? |
| Are you in a right relationship with God and do you have Scriptural support for your decision? |
Recently in a conversation with a counselor about the situation at my last church they came to understand that I felt completely trapped in silence because I do not want to hurt that pastor or that church, while at the same time I am struggling with a great sense of being powerless regarding how to move forward and take the next steps in my recovery and healing. As he processed things he came to realize that what I experienced is similar to rape (if you don’t know the effects on the victim are very similar to rape or incest and recovery is often similar too) and one of the keys for recovery for a rape victim is recovering a sense of power over their lives and circumstances. I have learned that people from that church went to serve last night at a local organization I have served with regularly since leaving that church. I have not yet had to face a group of people from that church but that day may come. Do I need to be the victim and be powerless in that situation? How could I respond in both truth, love, and grace if faced with it.
These are tough questions, but worth wrestling through as the answers reveal a lot about the heart, the areas that still need healing, where you are finding hope, and if you are truly forgiving and moving on.
Restoring The Heart 
November 6, 2009 at 8:24 am
I completely understand.
I have worked so hard the past couple of years to raise awareness of the issue of spiritual abuse, but it feels like I am beating a dead horse. No one understands the lasting impact it has on a person, or that there are very real feelings of pain and betrayal involved. I have almost given up on occasion in my efforts to speak out, but I keep writing. That’s my outlet!
November 6, 2009 at 8:40 am
Keep talking, keep writing, keep being a voice for the countless who do not yet have a voice to speak. Those of us who have experienced and know about abuse and can talk need to for the sake of others. There are many who don’t understand but some are starting to. We also need to be open though to recognize that healing and hope are out there and although there are impacts that come from our experiences we do not have to be controlled and defined by that. Absolutely there is pain, betrayal, loss, grief, wounds, etc. involved….the question is what are we going to do with those each day and can we use them to make tomorrow better. Thank you for being a voice and for continuing to share, you don’t know who you impact and what change you make but the courage to try is amazing and beautiful!
November 6, 2009 at 9:32 am
Thank you also for trying to speak out on this issue. The more who do, the better chance we have of getting the word out there.
I noticed your book list, and I have written several books on this topic as well. My autobiographical “Fundamentally Misguided,” my thesis “From Rapture to Revelation” and my latest “The Brimstone Legacy: The Misadventures of Brimstone Biblcial Academy,” a satire on the negative aspects of the ultra-conservative Christian school experience. Needless to say, I can no longer authentically say I am Christian. I have embraced the faith of my husband- Judaism, and that is a good fit for me.
When you are saturated by the negativity of that environment, it really impairs your ability to trust, so the fact that I have embraced any faith at all is a miracle in my mind.
A year ago, I tried to get something passed in regards to addressing the issue of spiritual abuse and bringing comfort to victims- a continuation of my thesis work- and my attempts to follow a calling. It fell through at the last minute. I guess everyone’s too afraid to address the obvious. Like you said, I felt silenced, but I think I am slowly regaining my strength and sense of conviction. This last book really helped me to heal!
Best wishes,
Michelle Grace
November 6, 2009 at 2:05 pm
Michelle, thank you for your sharing and honesty here. That too takes courage. Can I ask you something so that I can learn more about people’s journey and struggle through this? You said you have embraced Judaism. Since it is also an organized religion with gatherings and leaders, authority structures and opportunities where others can be hurt and abused why have you found it easier to embrace those beliefs? I know a lot of people who have walked away from Christianity, often choosing New Age, or their own type of beliefs or atheism, but you are the first person I know of who has switched to another major organized religion. Is there something inherently different about the practice of Judaism that makes it a safer or less threatening environment? I know that I will never turn from Christianity, but if there are things that can be incorporated into how Christians gather and treat each other without changing their beliefs then I want to be a voice to help move toward that. My heart breaks for the countless people who have been hurt and I am starting to feel a call toward prevention of further hurt and being a voice to preparing others to embrace, support, and walk with people who desperately need their help.
November 8, 2009 at 9:48 am
Wow! Where do I begin?
First of all, I applaud Carol for speaking out!- and the comments about protecting others at the expense of yourself. That’s the trap of silence!
In regards to my decision to adopt Judaism as my faith of choice, I guess I can say that my conversion is a work in progress. It’s an issue of being honest with myself about what I truly believe. I held on to Christianity as long as I possibly could; tried to speak out against the injustices within, and just felt I was no longer welcome in that faith. I don’t know what else to say about that. My husband has been very supportive and accepted me into his faith with open arms.
November 10, 2009 at 11:59 pm
Thank you for sharing. I appreciate the insights and am enjoying learning from you.
November 11, 2009 at 2:34 pm
Thank Michelle! 🙂
Applause for us all!!!
November 7, 2009 at 10:43 am
What an excellent article!
Oh, how I’ve struggled (and continue to) with this topic.
The group I was involved with, The Way, is ‘old news’ for most folks, but not folks (like me) who left in recent years.
After exiting The Way, I got very involved for a year with an ex(anti)-Way online support group. It’s a long story, but my experience there ended up similar to The Way, and in some ways worse. I liken The Way to a chronic illness and the anti-Way forum to a car (or train) wreck.
I feel silenced at the ex/anti-online site, in the very community that is supposed to support. There are a handful (or more) of others who have experienced similar but most have chosen silence regarding the matter; the pain and/or effort is not worth the emotional energy to speak up.
Lately, I’ve felt I don’t have a voice in the ex-community of the group I was involved with. In fact, my name has been smeared there and is pretty much mud. (And here I am tempted to say that that is partly due to me, but I question that on a continual basis.)
Anyway, an ex-Way person I recently spoke with stated that I do have a voice. That my blogs do come up on certain searches for those interested in the subject of The Way. And then I bring to mind as well, the emails/phone calls I’ve received from ex-Way people who want to remain anonymous in public…which I totally understand. Some of these phone calls/emails are in regard to The Way and some are in regard to the anti-Way online forum.
Thank you again for a tremendous article and a subject that many of us grapple with.
I think of a line from author, Fred Poole: “I tend to oppose protecting the guilty.”
Which brings to mind a blog post in which I recently wrote the following:
“Protection. I have this tendency to protect others, sometimes even at the expense of myself. Yes, there are times I want to protect myself; but more so it seems I want to protect others. I like Fred Poole’s phrase, “I tend to oppose protecting the guilty.” I too often think of myself as the guilty party; and sometimes I am.”
http://tossandripple.blogspot.com/2009/10/do-you-type-with-eyes-closed.html
November 7, 2009 at 11:38 am
Carol, I can relate to much to your comments. You said that you are tempted to say that the problem is partly due to you. I am sure the problems all of us have experienced are partly due to us. If not, then the abusers actions would be known and obvious to others, but instead others see a different side and doubt that what we experienced is true. I too struggle with feeling like the guilty party, especially since I have had problems at two churches, but so many others in my life support me and tell me that nothing I have done should bring on these type of problems. That even if I am partly the problem the responses from others are also incorrect.
The silence trap is overwhelming at times. In both of my situations it was something I experienced in the churches, that is being told I couldn’t tell others and that doing so would be a bad reflection on me and would cause disunity. I think we have to weigh that with revealing truth. It is not my heart to cause disunity, in fact the exact opposite…I want to see relationships healed, unity restored, and reconciliation take place. As my faith is so important to me (and I know everyone is at different places with their journey toward that) the biggest question I keep asking is if my sharing will bring God glory, reflect well on him, and will it show others God’s character and heart toward us and toward forgiveness and healing.
Honestly I am scared for those that are trapped in silence. When we do not have an outlet and are not listened to the feelings just build up and eventually they will manifest into something: turning away from God, hurting self, hurting others, rage, depression. That isn’t what life is supposed to be like, and as my heart breaks I can’t sit by in silence, I want to see people set free and healed.
November 11, 2009 at 2:32 pm
I hear you on all points, especially the struggle of how to speak out without bringing harm. I have so wanted reconciliation in various areas. At this point I think that reconciliation with some simply will not be possible, at least in this life. Some of that may be due to me, not just the other party(ies).
In one thing I wrote as I was struggling with the subject of my concern in regard to speaking up which results in “causing” pain, I pondered:
“This is one of the hardest for me; it really is. I don’t want to cause pain. But am I the one causing it? Or is it that our society doesn’t honor the grieving process, but rather wants to ‘be strong’ and go on with life as normal? Is it from stigma and labels that humans use against one another causing fear of various kinds, mainly of rejection, disapproval, not belonging? All the while, in the background, is buried pain and hurt that hasn’t been dealt with.”
http://tossandripple.blogspot.com/2009/07/conversing-with-gremlins.html
I want to apply the golden rule. As I think about that (the golden rule), I prefer that folks tell their truth the way they see it. That would be having them do unto me as I would like to be treated. (I hope that came out right.)
Perhaps all this would be easier if we all lived in glass houses!
November 13, 2009 at 9:25 pm
This too has been one of my deepest struggles, this and wrapping my head around how people who claim to follow God can walk in such obvious ways that are not Godly but still claim they are correct. I do think part of the problem is that our society doesn’t honor grieving and deep inward examination. We don’t want to get messy with others and therefore we can’t handle them expressing their pain to us. This is especially true for men I think since so many of them want to “fix” things especially when they turn emotional. I was talking with someone recently who told me they fell like I am walking as a victim. When I asked why, they said “because you say you have been abused and hurt in these two churches”. My question was, “Those are facts and realities about my life, does stating something that is true but painful from my past mean I haven’t gotten over it and have a victim mentality?” I want to be a survivor, in fact I see myself as a survivor and I want to walk in that. I want to be a voice and example for others by sharing my story and helping others find the hope and renewed life I have found. I refuse to be a victim and honestly I think continuing to live in silence, fear, and without courage and confidence is being one. I have no heart or desire to hurt others but I will not live controlled by the silence that others want me adhere to either. At the right time and in the right way I am certain I will share my story and the truth will be known. I can only hope and pray that God will change others hearts to reconcile first so we can proclaim God’s goodness and amazing power and heart for restoration. That would be the purpose and heart I have behind sharing….bringing God glory and honoring him.
November 7, 2009 at 10:48 am
PS: I’ve added your article here in my links of helps at http://tossandripple.blogspot.com/
Your article really hits home…
I’d like to post a link to it a Christian Recovery as well, if that is o.k. with you.
Thanks!
November 7, 2009 at 11:40 am
Sure it is okay to post the link. I am happy that something I say touches others. It is my hope that people will start talking more and sharing….that is where change starts and it is time for change.
November 11, 2009 at 2:19 pm
I’m just now getting back to this. I’ll let you know when I post the link on the Christian Recovery site. I usually like to take some time to read and comment on a couple post on a fourum before I start a thread. I haven’t been to that forum in awhile.
November 25, 2009 at 9:37 pm
Those are great questions. Thank you for posting them.
November 30, 2009 at 10:21 am
Thanks Ellen. I’m glad you found them helpful. I hope they help you or others as we seek to grow closer to God and live more obedient and redeemed lives.
~Sherie
March 7, 2010 at 7:35 pm
A group of people who belonged to a destructive cult started a blog http://whathappenedtodeerfield.wordpress.com
Being able to write what we needed to keep silent for so long has provided such a healing opportunity not only for those who write, but also for those who still are afraid of writing a comment but who can’t stop reading day by day.
Your questions are great and they call for deeper meditation. The last question though, touched my heart for a reason: after leaving the cult, I still haven’t found my reconnection with God. God still has the face of the cult leaders, when I want to talk to Him or feel Him, their faces appear again and I rather avoid Him.
I share that same feeling with many ex cult fellows, we have become cynical and I hope there is healing at some point.
A lawyer one day asked me what have I lost? Money? Assets? Properties? How do I explain him that what I lost is God, and that emptiness in my heart is impossible to fill with anything else.
So, to the question you formulate:
“Are you in a right relationship with God and do you have Scriptural support for your decision?” The answer is NO
March 8, 2010 at 9:27 am
Shekinah, thank you so much for sharing your heart and your pain. Although I have experienced a milder form of spiritual abuse and disillusionment toward the church I can not even imagine the struggle those who have been a part of cults go through. There are several who frequent this blog who have been a part of cults, and after reading Shari Howerton’s story in Breaking the Chains: Overcoming the Spiritual Abuse of a False Gospel I have some understanding of your journey and struggles.
First, I think your courage to continue to look for answers, seek healing, and desire hope is inspiring. You said you are not in a right relationship with God, and I think that is okay. If we were all honest I think very few if any could say we are truly in a right relationship. Take each day one at a time. There will be steps forward and steps back. Last May I shared the fact that I had been abused in a church with a group of people I knew for the first time. Until then I had anonymously shared on the Internet, but as I have found courage this year I have been able to openly share my story and accept it as the reality of my life. I think sharing is very healing, and I encourage more people to share because our stories help others. I visited the website you mentioned last night and love the disclaimer that is on the site. The site is not meant to libel, slander, or hurt anyone. That is the right heart. We all have stories, and all of us have been hurt, let down, and disappointed by others. All of us have experienced things that caused us pain, disappointment, or frustration. There are ways to share those openly and honestly, even with facts about others, without doing it in a manner that seeks to cause others pain.
I will pray for those who are seeking to heal after Deerfield, and will pray that you all find support, healing, and hope. Personally, I believe that will be found through the truth of the Gospel, the true Gospel and not the false and distorted one that is so prevalent in America. Now that I have found it my life is transformed and my heart has been changed. I have found hope, joy, and peace that I could not find in those years after the abuse. Keep looking, keep searching, and keeping turning to God. If I can assist in any way either through this blog or personally please let me know. It is my heart and joy to assist others to find their way back to the Lord and to be healed.
With care,
Sherie