Over the weekend I have recognized a pattern from my life over the last few years that I had not been aware of. It is a place where God has been trying to get my attention, and I have not been open enough to listen.

After the abuse at my church 4+ years ago I became very wary of pastors, church leaders, men, and authority. I had clung very tightly to two Bible verses giving them more power than others.

Test everything, hold onto the good. 1 Thessalonians 5:21

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Proverbs 4:23

These are both amazing verses with great truth, but I had made them into things I needed to do. They became my protection and a wall that I used to defend myself against other pastors, leaders, and even against God’s truth.

Over the past year as I got to know my pastor and started to meet with him I held him at arms length due to counsel I had received from others. I trusted man’s counsel more than God, and even when I did trust God I used verses like these to defend my defiance and reserve. I didn’t give my pastor the freedom to be who he was but instead I measured him against a stick from my past.

Almost every time I met with my pastor this year I had anxiety, caution, and barriers up. When we met I often felt that he was trying to get into my life in a way that I wasn’t comfortable with. I wanted to take time for things to develop and for trust to be established. Now, that in itself wasn’t wrong, but trust could have been established from the beginning had I been more open, instead I kept putting it off and each time we met I wouldn’t allow things to move further. After we met I would often feel this struggle in my spirit. I thought it was frustration with the communication or lack of understanding between us. Now, I think it was God trying to get my attention about the sin, rebellion, and lack of faith I was walking in.

God has been trying to get my attention for a long time. I have been resisting his lead and his calling in my life. It hasn’t been intentional, but it has been due to lack of faith and the fact that I was walking in deception. How do you know when you are deceived? Unfortunately you don’t!

God I pray you take me one more step forward today and show me even more about my deceived thinking, my unbelief, and my sinful ways so that I can turn from them to be more like you in all I think and do!