I have not been writing over the last few months because I took a journey into healing at a new level.
It has been a journey I never expected.
Days are hard. Heartache is real.
Pain is very present.
I have lacked hope. I have clung to faith.
I am starting to see some light.
One of the impacts or coping mechanisms of abuse is to numb your emotions.
When the pain is so deep, the emotions seem overwhelming. We can shut them off to cope. We stop feeling to survive.
Part of recovery is turning our emotions back on.
That means choosing to feel….to feel the good, the bad, the painful, the joy, the emptiness and violation, and the hope that it all can change.
I have been learning to feel again. Learning to come alive.
I forgot how deep the pain could go. I now remember what it is to feel emotions of all kinds and intensities.
The work has been hard. The work is starting to pay off.
I am thankful for the grace and mercy the Lord has shown me through this time, and I am falling on that grace and mercy with faith that he will see me through.
February 15, 2011 at 4:56 am
great post and so true–been worried about you-going to email ya also-k–but wanted to say congrats for taking that step–and yes faith will see you through–blessings
September 10, 2011 at 6:46 pm
I really feel for you, having been there and am still working my way out of the lack of trust. I can tell you that over time it does get better. You are richer for it as well. Feeling your emotions – even the bad – is a good step. I’m currently in a church, but I find myself irritated at the pastor’s shouting preaching style, so I’ve been visiting other churches for a break. I’m feeling guilty about it, but I tell myself that it’s healthy to do so. Guilt will take some time to break I guess. I’ve been taught to be only in one church and to ‘never leave unless God tells you’. It’s an unhealthy paradigm that I need to break.
God bless on your journey.
September 10, 2011 at 7:44 pm
Thank you. It has been a long journey this year. I was actually doing pretty well back before adding this post, but shortly after that my story changed when another leader told me that I was not forgiven and free to serve my community because a pastor from my past had not forgiven and released me. I had to once again step out of serving in ministry and volunteer work. Through a lot of hard work some steps toward resolution have occurred, but it has been harder than any other part of my story.
I completely understand the feelings you are wrestling with. I too have been in a church, but am asking if it is the right place for me. I agree that you should not feel guilty about having connections to more than one church. I currently have connections with two local churches and an online church in another state. If that is what we need to be healthy, then it is okay. Just don’t allow it to keep you from investing fully in relationships. We need community to heal and be restored.