Trapped in Silence

One of the struggles that victims of any abuse may suffer from is being trapped in a web of silence. Consider the child whose father has started sexually abusing them. Telling anyone about the abuse speaks against their own father. It could hurt him, damage and change the family, bring insult or accusations against the victim, or the victim may not even be believed.

The same is true with spiritual abuse, but in some ways that trap of silence is even worse because as a Christian your integrity and character are brought into question if you speak out. Some Christians will tell you that it is wrong to speak anything about a leader that could damage their reputation or ministry. What then is the victim to do? Are they trapped in silence forever? Do they have to only tells pieces of their story, hide their identity, or walk without honesty and transparency to protect others who did them injury? It is a very difficult situation to sort through how to love others, be honest, not walk as a victim in destructive silence, and not do things that cause others hurt and pain.

Some of the questions that might be asked regarding breaking the silence are below. I do not believe there is a right answer about how, when, or if you should or can break the silence but there are situations where it should happen.

Is it okay to share the truth? Is there a way that truth can be shared in love?

Will this hurt anyone? Is there a way to tell it that will not hurt them?

Why should I share this? Does truth need to be spoken? Does sin need to be confronted? Does illegal activity need to be revealed?

What is the heart behind telling the story? Are you seeking revenge/reconciliation/protection for others/clearing your name/damage toward another? Does your answer to the last question bring up any red flags regarding why you may want to speak out?

Is there proof regarding the story?

Will others believe the story?

Are you ready for the reaction from others who may be upset by sharing the story?

Do you have anything to hide? Is there any part of the story that you do not want to come out?

Is there a venue for sharing the story that is correct? Would the smallest audience possible be the best place to start?

Are you ready to love, forgive, and find reconciliation with the abusers? Are you willing to go to whatever length necessary to resolve the situation?

Are you in a right relationship with God and do you have Scriptural support for your decision?

 

Recently in a conversation with a counselor about the situation at my last church they came to understand that I felt completely trapped in silence because I do not want to hurt that pastor or that church, while at the same time I am struggling with a great sense of being powerless regarding how to move forward and take the next steps in my recovery and healing. As he processed things he came to realize that what I experienced is similar to rape (if you don’t know the effects on the victim are very similar to rape or incest and recovery is often similar too) and one of the keys for recovery for a rape victim is recovering a sense of power over their lives and circumstances. I have learned that people from that church went to serve last night at a local organization I have served with regularly since leaving that church. I have not yet had to face a group of people from that church but that day may come. Do I need to be the victim and be powerless in that situation? How could I respond in both truth, love, and grace if faced with it.

These are tough questions, but worth wrestling through as the answers reveal a lot about the heart, the areas that still need healing, where you are finding hope, and if you are truly forgiving and moving on.

 

Fighting Disillusionment

Disillusionment is defined as disenchantment, a freeing or a being freed from illusion or conviction.

A common response to spiritual abuse, being damaged or hurt by a church, or even just dealing with significant conflict within a church or with church leaders is dealing with feelings of disillusionment. You thought the church or the people were different than they now seem and you are left asking questions if you want anything to do with them or any other church or person with those beliefs. You may not even be sure what you believe any longer.

Disillusionment, disenchantment, and other similar thoughts and feelings are not wrong. Being honest about feeling them is an important part of coming to terms with what has happened and working through it. It is important to be honest about your feelings and how they show themselves in your thoughts. Taking a hard look at them and working through to the roots of what is behind it will lead to real healing and hope.

Finally, we lose our wrong ideas of God in church. (Thank God!) What makes this so difficult is how much we invested of our lives into a certain way of following Jesus, into certain applications equivocal truths, only to realize much of it was foolishness or perhaps even wrong.  We feel betrayed by a church tradition, a leader, or even God himself.  We realize God truly is much larger and more incomprehensible than we thought.  We lose or allusions about this new family of Jesus, the church.  It is not a perfect family with perfect people as we expected.  In fact people disappoint us.  At times, we are bewildered and shocked by their lack of awareness and sin (evil). Every person who lives in community with other believers, sooner or later, experiences the disillusionment and grief that accompanies it. (Emotionally Healthy Spirituality by Peter Scazzero)

I have been told that it is very typical for people who have been abused to take 5-10 years to return to a church after they have been hurt, and many times they only become marginally involved. Some people choose to walk away from their faith, organized religion, or anything similar to where they were hurt all together. I have heard some people say they are willing to return, but had to choose a church style that was quite opposite from where they were hurt. There is no single right answer to any of those decisions and it will depend on the people and the situations involved to determine what is right in each case.

Disillusionment is a loss.  It is that dreadful time of sorrow when you grieve the death of dream sensations of what could have been.  And it is that will only.  Of mourning the death of relationships with those who once were among your closest friends and coworkers in pursuing the big, exciting dreams the captured your heart.  Except for the physical death of a loved one, I don’t know if there is a pain that is sharper or more penetrating than this wound to the heart.  Fortunately for us it is a process that will end, and there is a wonderful place of tenderness on the other side if we have the courage and will to face the anguish along the way. (Cages of Pain by Gordon Aeschliman)

Disillusionment can lead to some deep and difficult soul searching, but it can be very good. The question is how to respond to the disillusionment. As Sarah Cunningham states, there is a hopeful way to look at it and I hope each of us can get there in our own times of struggle and then can turn to others and help them. “Disillusionment with the way things are in the church can also inspire us to improve and deepen our involvement in Christ’s mission.” (Dear Church: Letters from a Disillusioned Generation by Sarah Cunningham)

 

Finding God’s truth with others

No church is perfect as every church is lead by imperfect people. Our understandings of God are lead by these imperfect people and often there are things they can say and speak into our lives either through the sermon or directly that may seem correct, but unless they are 100% based on God’s truth then they can be wrong and can lead us astray. This is one of the dangers of organized religion, but also creates opportunities where we can grow and learn together and sharpen each other. Even your leaders need others to help them see different angles, think of things differently, and rethink something that might not have come out the way they intended others to receive it.

On Sunday I spoke to one of the pastors who have been helping me through the processing I have been doing and the healing journey I am on. I asked him about walking in brokenness because I continue to struggle with the fact that others have forced broken relationships on me and no matter what I have tried no progress seems to be made toward reconciliation. I have forgiven those involved and because the forgiveness is deep and true my heart desires to find reconciliation. My situation is not unique, there are many in life where brokenness is forced upon them by others such as divorces, abandonment, rejection, etc. I am sure it is not God’s heart that we live in that brokenness, but what I expressed to the pastor is that I am having a difficult time reconciling what I read in God’s word about living in unity with the fact that I can not force others to walk in that, even other believers. It gives me a glimpse of the incredible grief God must feel over those who he loves deeply and fiercely who will not receive his love and be reconciled with him. I only have a few people in my life that are responding this way but God has millions. I can’t even grasp how that must burden him.

Matthew 5:23-24 says, “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.” The pastor I spoke to explained there is a difference between forgiveness and reconciliation, and then he went on to explain that this and other verses refer to those we are in fellowship with (in a local church with) and since I am no longer in my old church and am in right relationships with those in the new church I am able to walk in freedom and to take communion without being burdened with guilt and shame over what happened. On one hand what he says makes sense because I don’t believe God wants me to live burdened by the brokenness I feel, however to read that verse and say it only applies to those in our own local church seems to go against Christ’s teachings of unity, a global church and family, and really being in unity. If we are not willing to be in unity with those who attend the church across the street, or a neighbor or co-worker because they attend a different church then the witness we have for Christ is going to be really limited. I have a lot of respect for that pastor and I truly believe he was giving me the best advice and counsel he knows how to give, however this time I have to say I disagree and need to seek God further.

Is it okay to disagree with the counsel of your pastor? Does it show disrespect? I believe it is okay to disagree with the counsel when you find that scripture supports a different view, and it does not need to show disrespect to follow your heart and embrace your own personal walk with God. How you express your disagreement, how public you make it, and the heart attitude you carry toward your pastor is whether you walk in right or wrong ways. In this case I don’t think that pastor gave me counsel that is completely pleasing to God, but he did his best and as he is imperfect I see no fault in what he did. I will continue to work through these issues, and hopefully he and I will dialogue further about this and together we will grow and look more fully at what God’s word says about situations like this so that we both find truth, allow it to affect our hearts, and then we can share it with others and lead them toward right relationships that are pleasing toward God.

I love walking in community with others!

 

Sunday Mourning

One of the struggles I continue to go through hits me every Sunday morning. I have grown up in the church, and going to church on Sunday morning has been a part of my life constantly and consistently. Not being a part of a church and having a place to call home is extremely difficult. My heart aches because I want a family and a home. I want a place to belong. I want to be known and to know others. There are a lot of places I could go to church (and I have been over the last few months), but going to church and being connected and a part of the life of the church are different.

The church I was removed from last May was only about 60 people so we knew the names and faces of everyone. I was known, not well as people were not that interested in really connecting and having community but they knew my name and some basic factual things about me. The church I have attended the most over the last few months and have tried to make some connections in is about 900 people. I feel lost, I go in alone, and many weeks no one even is able to call me by name.

I know others struggle with this too. I have heard and talked to a lot of people who ask questions such as: Am I ready to go back to church? Do I even want to be a part of the churches that are out there or am I done with organized religion? If I do try a church, what kind should I try and how do I walk through all the maze of making that decision and finding the courage to actually visit? How do I trust again? Should I just attend services or should I actually get involved? Do I need to just receive so I can heal, and if so will others be willing to allow that and help me in it? Is it safe? How do I know who to trust? What is the right timing?

Every Sunday morning as I think of going to church and trying to decide where to go I mourn for the loss in my life. It is a weekly reminder of the loss, grief, pain, and confusion in my life. It is a weekly reminder that others are in churches where they are celebrating, connecting, being known, and sharing in community and I deeply want that in my life. It is a weekly reminder that those who hurt me, rejected me, and abandoned me are still gathering and sharing together but I am not allowed to share with them in that. When I go to a church and they offer communion it is a reminder that I am in broken relationship with others and despite all I have tried and the humility and repentance I have expressed trying to reconcile the others continue to leave things broken…and that leaves me not knowing how to approach God’s table and share openly in relationship with him or fellow believers.

I feel like Sunday should be a day to celebrate, worship, walk in unity, and share in grace but deep inside I still mourn and suffer. I know this isn’t what God wants, neither my suffering nor the brokenness with others. Every week I take steps forward to move past the pain, the grief, and the loss but it is a process and it takes time. Until I one again am a part of a community where I find grace, mercy, love, hope, and am known for who I am there will continue to be a part where I mourn on Sunday’s. I am so thankful though that in the midst of that mourning I can stand before God knowing that I am walking faithfully and with righteousness now. I am growing deeply in my walk with him. I am making relationships and building community with others. I am moving forward and not letting my past define me and keep me in bondage. I am believing in the one true God who brings me hope, promise, love, and accepts me just as I am but challenges me to be so much more.

So, I do mourn on Sunday but I am learning that even in the midst of mourning I can find hope, peace, and the promises of walking with God.

 

Are we believing we are bad or broken?

I recently read this story by Steve Brown which also reminded me of the movie Seabiscuit. These stories remind me of those of who have been hurt, abused, broken, disillusioned, and battered in the church. Because of our experiences are we now believing we are bad or broken? Have we forgotten what God has made us for? This was definitely part of my story for the last four years, and at times I could even see it in myself but I couldn’t escape from it until others walked along side me and helped me out of my entrapment. Are you believing you are bad or broken? There is a way out! Are you at a point to help others out so they can find the freedom, love, grace, and healing power of God? If you are, please reach out to those around you because you are desperately needed. There are far more people around you who need your help than you probably realize.

“I once had a German shepherd. His previous owner had beaten him.  His name was Calvin, and he was one big, strong dog.  He just didn’t know it.  I gave him the name Calvin because I thought it would help him with his extremely bad self-image.  It didn’t.  In fact I’ve never seen a dog expect punishment more than Calvin.  It wasn’t that he had done anything wrong; it was just that he had somehow gotten the idea he was a bad dog and that my sole purpose in life was to beat up on him because he was such a bad dog.  No, I never hit Calvin.  I didn’t raise my voice to him.  I praised him, petted him, scratched behind his ears, gave him treats, and did everything I know to foster a good self-image.  Nevertheless, Calvin flinched every time I came near him.  Do you know what happened?  He became the bad dog he thought he was.  German shepherds are supposed to protect and defend their owners – Calvin ran and hid under the bed.  German shepherds are supposed to lie at the master’s feet - Calvin wouldn’t come near me.  German shepherds are supposed to be strong and courageous – Calvin was a weenie.  I really believe Calvin felt sort of uncomfortable and abnormal because I didn’t do what he expected me to do – punish him.” (Scandalous Freedom by Steve Brown, p222-223)

Seabiscuit is one of my favorite movies because it represents such a real image of life, especially for anyone who has been abused, rejected, or battered emotionally. I am not a horse racing fan, but the overall message of hope and promise in the movie really touches me. It is a story about three men and a horse who are all banged up and broken. Like us, these men and this horse have walked through hardships and they show the scars and pain of that. Seabiscuit had been bought and sold repeatedly, had failed to perform, and had taken to heart that failure and worthlessness. He was actually trained to lose so he would help others win. He was frightened, bruised, and defiant until trainer Tom Smith and jockey Red Pollack come along.

Here are some quotes from Tom about Seabiscuit.
Tom Smith: “You don’t throw away a whole life just ’cause it’s banged up a little.”
Tom Smith: “You don’t throw away a whole life just because it has a few bumps.”
Tom Smith: “He just needs to learn how to be a horse, again.”
Tom Smith: “He’s so beat up it’s hard to tell what he’s like. He’s forgotten what he was born to do. He just needs to learn how to be a horse again.”

All of us get beaten up, bruised and damaged in the course of life. We need to believe that we are not defined by that. We may be misunderstood and mishandled, we may even lose our way for a time, but God has created us with purpose. God doesn’t “throw away a whole life just ’cause it’s banged up a little.” He believes our lives are worth redeeming. He believes we are worth another chance. We may have to learn how to be a man/woman again, but he is willing to walk through that with us.

 

Thought for the day

Those who believe they believe in God but without passion in the heart, without anguish of mind, without uncertainty, without doubt, and even at times without despair, believe only in the idea of God and not in God himself.

by Miguel De Unamuno

 

Proclaiming the work God has done

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me

• to preach good news to the poor.

He has sent me to

• bind up the brokenhearted,
• to proclaim freedom for the captives
• and release from darkness for the prisoners,
• to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God,
• to comfort all who mourn,
• and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
• to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.

They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor. (Isaiah 61:1-3)

How do we testify to the work God does in our lives? Are we remaining silent, or are we sharing, proclaiming, shouting, evangelizing, and witnessing to God’s goodness? I have recently had numerous opportunities to share about what God has been doing in my life and how he has changed things. My story falls under the point above from Isaiah 61:1, “release from darkness for the prisoners”. I spent the last four and a half years as a prisoner in darkness. I did not really understand that was where I was living when I was there, but now that God has changed it I can see it so clearly. Just over three months ago he broke through that darkness and my entire outlook on life and faith changed. A confusion and darkness that had bound my life was lifted and God brought in new life. I realized this week that I have not needed to take Melatonin to sleep for a long time. That is the strongest drug I ever allowed myself to take as it is natural and non-addicting, but I had used it fairly regularly over the last 4+ years. One more area of freedom in my life that I now see.

This passage from Isaiah makes it clear that Christ was annointed and sent for specific purposes. How have you been touched by his annointing and his purpose? What difference has he made in your life? Are you able to share that clearly with yourself? Are you willing to share it with others?

 

Sharing with honesty but also with grace and love

This week will mark four months since being removed from my church, and two months from having the pastor tell me that there is no avenue for reconciliation and restoration. It has been a long journey, and one I have anguished and grieved over how to walk through this and communicate about it because I desire a heart of love, grace, forgiveness, hope, and mercy.

On Friday I finally shared my story with family and friends. Until that time only four people knew what had happened and two of them I had shared with face-to-face just recently. Since the very beginning of this journey one goal has been on my heart – I want to walk through this in the way that Christ would, I want to live in a way that is worthy of the name Christian. It would be very easy to take on bitterness, anger, malice, slander, gossip, and to walk in brokenness, but that is not what God would call us to. I knew that when it came time to share with those in my life I would be sharing with non-Christians, Christians who have been hurt and abused, Christians who were disillusioned, Christians who do not have a strong faith or Biblical foundation, in addition to some very godly people. I wanted to walk through this in a manner that would be a light and witness to everyone.

One of the biggest questions was what to share and how much to share. Due to the nature of my story and the fact that others have not been willing to walk through this with the same commitment to Biblical standards, reconciliation, and restoration there is still brokenness that exists. I have waited this long hoping that would or could be worked through, or that I could at least testify that we were working toward it. Unfortunately that has not happened. So, I was faced with the dilemma of how to share with honesty but with a heart to not hurt, slander, or cause disunity. I don’t know if I walked that line well enough. Some would say yes, others will say no. I have had to lay it at God’s feet and ask him for forgiveness and further training if I made mistakes. I do think I walked through it well enough to be a positive witness.

This weekend I received emails from a variety of friends, but it included a Jewish friend and a non-Christian, both of who I have known and walked with for over 13 years. The reinforcement they gave about my heart, my witness in their lives, and the love I have shown them I have for people and for God deeply touched my heart. I love the encouragement and support from God’s family, but there is a piece where I sort of expect it to be there. (I am not sure that is good, I am just being honest here.) To have the words shared by those who do not have relationship with God and to know that my life is a witness to them is deeply encouraging and reassuring.

Now that the news has been shared I feel like I can finally really step forward and move on. I have decided that I will not hide my story. I have no desire to hurt those involved in any way, and I am praying that God sanctifies my tongue and heart to keep them pure. I will not live in bondage and secrecy either. There is freedom in being able to tell my story, and with that freedom comes healing and hope. I have already had people asking me to share my story and my journey, and I want to turn the tragedies in my life into a witness that brings hope and healing to others.

The goal of this blog is to help others find a path of restoring their heart and coming back to God and hopefully to the church. As this chapter in my life has now closed I am really looking forward to embracing the opportunity to be more of a light to others and to focus on them instead of my journey. I do believe though that I now have even more practically knowledge and wisdom about how to walk through restoration and to find hope again. I praise God for that everyday!

 

An example of grace and forgiveness

Have you ever questioned what grace and forgiveness really look like? What is the standard that God wants us to live by? Are there times that it is okay to not forgive?

As I read scripture I see a message that forgiveness and grace should mark the lives of believers and everything we do should come from a heart that has been transformed to overflow with love. This story is a great example of what love and grace look like, even to an enemy that would take your life if you were standing in a different location.

 

On Palm Sunday morning, April 9, 1865, General Robert E. Lee put on his finest dress uniform, mounted Traveller, and rode away from his tired and tattered troops to Appomatox, where he would surrender his beaten army to General Ulysses S. Grant.  As Lee rode to meet his conqueror, he fully expected that his men would be herded like cattle into railroad cars and taken to a Union prison and that he, as their general, would be tried and executed as a disgraced traitor.

In the tidy living room of the home where the vanquished and the victor met, Lee asked Grant what his terms of surrender were to be.  Grant told Lee that his men were free to take their horses with them and go back to their little farms and that Lee too was free to go home and create a new life.  Lee offered Grant his sword; Grant refused it. Lee heaved a sigh; he came expecting to be humiliated, and he left with dignity and honor.  As he watched General Lee mount Traveller and ride back to his troops, Grant took off his hat and saluted his defeated enemy.  It was a gracious grace.  And it deeply affected the defeated general: as long as he lived, Lee allowed no critical word of Grant to be spoken in his presence.  Grace graciously given honors our worth as it overlooks our undeserving. (From Shame and Grace by Lewis B. Smedes, p.120)

 

Ready, willing, and waiting

I desire to see people have a restored heart toward God, church, and being a part of close relationships. I want to see people overcome their obstacles, hurts, wounds, and fears. I desire to see lives healed and transformed. I want a lot of things for others, but I accept the reality that I can only walk alongside others and they have to reach a point of being ready, willing, and waiting before God does the real work in their lives. I love it when God allows me to be present to see that change!

Paul David Trip in Whiter Than Snow provides a great prayer about having this ready, willing, and waiting heart attitude.

Lord, I think I can honestly say I am ready, willing, and waiting.
Ready, willing, and waiting to see my sin as You see it.
Ready, willing, and waiting to acknowledge that I am my biggest problem. 
Ready, willing, and waiting to run from wrong.
Ready, willing, and waiting to seek Your help.
Ready, willing, and waiting for my mind to be clear.
Ready, willing, and waiting for my heart to be clean.
Ready, willing, and waiting to acknowledge what You see.
Ready, willing, and waiting to rest in Your compassion.
Ready, willing, and waiting to hide in Your unfailing love.
I am ready, willing, and waiting to be washed by You.
Ready, willing, and waiting to admit that I acted against You. 
Ready, willing, and waiting to prove that You are right and just.
Ready, willing, and waiting to confess that my problem is from birth.
Ready, willing, and waiting to examine within.
I am ready, willing, and waiting to be whiter than snow.
Ready, willing, and waiting to hear joy and gladness.
Ready, willing, and waiting for brokenness to give way to joy.
Ready, willing, and waiting to have a steadfast heart.
Ready, willing, and waiting to celebrate Your grace once more.
I am ready, willing, and waiting to teach others Your ways.
Ready, willing, and waiting to help them turn back to You.
Ready, willing, and waiting to have You save the me from me.
Ready, willing, and waiting to sing songs of Your righteousness.
I am ready, willing, and waiting to declare Your praise. 
Ready, willing, and waiting to bring the sacrifice of a broken heart.
Ready, willing, and waiting to see Your people prosper.
Ready, willing, and waiting to see You worshiped as Your due.
But, I am also
Ready, willing, and waiting to be protected by Your love.
Ready, willing, and waiting to be held by Your grace.
Ready, willing, and waiting to be hidden in Your mercy.
Ready, willing, and waiting to be defended by Your power.
Because I know that I won’t always be ready, willing, and waiting.