My heart of thankfulness

This year has been a time of change, growth, and has included some pain, however today my heart is filled with such gratitude. I am happy, healthy, and hopeful for the future, not because of circumstances in my life but because of a God that I know is in charge, loves me, and will never fail me. Today I have assurance that God is real, that he is a part of my life, and that I will be a survivor with a future and a hope.

Today I am thankful for friends and family, for faith, for work, for church and community, and for hope. I am thankful for online friends I may never meet who have touched my life, given me hope, encouraged and sharpened me, challenged me, and cared for me when I needed it. I am thankful for the hope I see in many of you as you walk through your own journeys and for the incredible courage you show. You are an inspiration and a joy to me. You warm my heart and show me God. The heart you have shown, the willingness to hope and try, and the desire to learn and grow brings light to my life.

Thank you, to my friends who share this journey and brighten my life.
You are a blessing to me!

 

Responding to Nightmares

In 2004 when I was spiritually abused I started having nightmares. Until that point in my life I had only had a few nights in my lifetime where I experienced this and I started having nightmares almost every night. It was a very disturbing piece of evidence in my life of the trauma I had experienced and I didn’t know how to respond to it and to make it go away.

A few months ago after the struggles at my last church some similar nightmares started to resurface. Thankfully this time my heart and life were in a very different place and I was able to lay the issue before God and trusted him to lead me to a solution. About that time I happened to see Beth Moore doing an interview on TV. In that interview she spoke of how she went through a time in her life where she realized she wanted to have God’s word on her heart and to always be rejoicing in and worshipping him. She began to learn how to always have a song on her heart so that even when she awoke in the middle of the night her heart and mind would turn to God and celebrate his goodness. Through that interview I took on a new idea to train my heart and mind to always be thinking of and at rest with God’s word. When I am upset, stressed, emotionally struggling, or feeling depressed…when I don’t think I will sleep well I take ahold of my small bible that fits within my hand and I hold it to my heart until I fall asleep. Throughout the night if I awaken the Bible is there to remind me to trust God because he is in charge and watching over me. This simple act has had profound impact on my rest and overall peace. I know that I can place myself under God’s protection and rest in his care.

A few days ago I came across this story from Beth in her study A Woman’s Heart: God’s Dwelling Place. The lesson for the day was on the Bread of the Presence that was placed on the altar in the tabernacle. It reminded me of the way God has taught me that he covers me and keeps me safe under his care.

“My father was in the battalion that broke open the gates and announced freedom to prisoners in Dachau, a Nazi concentration camp. The emaciated prisoners kissed the soldiers’ feet and repeatedly cried out their thanksgiving. In that moment the soldiers were forever changed. The liberation, however, posed an immediate problem: the children. Either they had been separated from their parents, or their parents were dead. Either way, they had nowhere to go. An army hospital was set up at once to care for them, where they were bathed, fed, and warmed. However, it was not enough. Every night brought horrifying nightmares, making rest impossible for the children and the personnel. Finally, one man lined up the children one night at bedtime, gathered loaves from the kitchen, and tore off a piece of bread for each child. The children curled up in their beds, nestled the bread against their breasts, and slept with the angels.”

Know that you are safe under the protection of God. He cares about you and if you suffer from nightmares may you find a place of safety, peace, rest, and hope in him!

 

Healing From the Voice of Survivors

One of the most powerful things I have seen through my recovery is the power of the voice of survivors. When others tell their story, show their determination to recover, and share their hope and successes with others it builds momentum. This is exactly why support groups exist. They have learned that life is so much easier when we do not walk it alone. God designed us this way! He made us want and need others and one of the tricks the enemy uses through abuse and trauma is to isolate, separate, and discourage us.

Hearing the recovery stories of others is powerful. It can leave us feeling that recovery truly is possible and there can be a different future. It reminds us that while the abuse and trauma may be a part of our past it doesn’t need to define us and determine our future.

This week I have been listening to the stories from:

• Adrian at http://recoverandheal.com/ where he has shared about things he has learned and found helpful through recovery.
• Shari Howerton’s new book Breaking the Chains: Overcoming the Spiritual Abuse of a False Gospel is the story of her journey out of decades in a cult, and to a true and real life with the one true and Living God.
• “Lost Sheep” at http://youwillriseagain.wordpress.com/ is taking action to educate others about what Spiritual Abuse is and speaking out about injustice.

These stories give me courage and hope. They inspire me and remind me that the future is different as we walk with God and choose to believe. They show me that it is okay to trust again and that I do not have to live separated, alone, or lost.

Last night I publically stepped on board with a new ministry that is starting near my home. I have been in discussions with the leadership for a couple months and they know my story but they still believe in me and believe that God has changed my life and made me a new creation. Thanks to the stories of others and the unconditional love, grace, and mercy of the Lord Almighty I am able to take new steps and move forward too. My heart is full of hope, joy, and life today. It feels so good to know that the future can and will be different!

 

Condition of the Heart

One of the keys toward recovery is taking the time and doing the work to look deep inside at your beliefs, thought patterns, and at what you are holding onto deep inside. Experiencing abuse can strip you of identity, worth, safety, understanding, hope, care, conviction, and determination. When we are stripped of those things it leaves us empty but the reality is we do not remain empty for long, something takes the place of these things. It may be despair, anger, bitterness, wrath, fear, or hopefully it becomes something positive like adventure (which can negative and positive in different ways), information/advocacy for related issues, commitment to faith, self-improvement (which can have negative aspects), physical health and exercise, etc.

Identifying what is deep inside, not just what sits at the surface is critical to finding real and lasting healing. If we are holding onto things that we are not aware of or are not ready to let go of it will keep us from really healing.

Lately I have realized how often my thoughts go back to actions taken and words spoken by those at my last church. Even though I feel I have forgiven the fact that my mind dwells on these things and I still experience such pain from them tells me that there is greater work to be done. There is a place in my heart where it must be feeling good to hold onto this pain even though outwardly I am convinced that I don’t want to live that way and I want to forgive. I realize that the abuse, pain, and desire for reconciliation and healing are in some way defining me because I allow them to have power over my thoughts and often I hesitate in relationships or activities because of the messages of rejection that still live in my head and heart.

This morning I was reading this scriptures and praying about how deeply I want to live them but despite all I know about being a Christian I still struggle to understand how to walk this out and live it. Learning to live so that the condition of our heart is correct is very difficult. I am working hard to learn how to “do not let”, “get rid of”, and ”be”. It is so clear to me how desperately I need God and how I can’t live this, walk this out, or change my heart on my own.

Ephesians 4:29-32 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

James 1:19-21 My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you.

 

Updates to the site

I have finally made the time to update this blog a priority and things are much more up to date.

1) I have added links to blogs I frequent both to hear and learn from survivors who are telling their stories and for informational content about abuse and related topics.

2) I have updated the list of books. Most of the updates have been the links and images that I promised I would add a long time ago. In the next two weeks (hopefully sooner) I will finish those updates and add the resources others have given to me that still need to be incorporated.

I guess all I needed was a quiet Saturday afternoon at home.

 

Who are you?

Have you seen the Narnia movie Prince Caspian? In that movie Peter Pevensie travels to Narnia and after saving one of the dwarfs, Trumpkin, he introduces himself. He doesn’t just say Peter, or Peter Pevensie but instead he introduces himself as High King Peter the Magnificent.

How do you introduce yourself? Do you just say your first name, or do you communicate something more? Are you expressing something you might not even be aware of? How do you really feel about yourself and how is that expressed to others?

A few years ago a dear friend of mine was attending Toastmasters, a group that helps you learn public speaking skills. Through that group and some counseling she was attending she created a document that answered the question “Who am I?”

I can start to answer that question, but how would you answer it?
I am Sherie, a tender-hearted and passionate woman who loves God with all her heart and seeks to live in a way that honors others and shows them genuine and authentic love, true Christian love. I am a daughter, granddaughter, sister, friend, aunt, niece, cousin, neighbor, co-worker, leader, mentor, and volunteer. I am dedicated, loyal, committed and a person of integrity and character. I am a survivor of spiritual abuse and spiritual rape. I am a grandchild of divorce and alcoholism. I am a preachers kid. I am a college graduate. I am a lover of adventure. I am a musician, a life-long learner, a photographer, and a people lover. I am beautiful, chosen, special, anointed, empowered, gifted, and blessed. I am a daughter of the King!

 

Truth: Does it exist?

Do you believe there is such a thing as absolute truth? It would be something that is true for all people, at all times, in all places and circumstances. The answer to this question shapes and affects your life in very significant ways.

If someone does not believe in absolute truth then there is no foundation for life that is true for everyone. Everything is relative and therefore could be debated in the right context. On the other hand if someone believes in absolute truth there are things in our society and in daily interactions with others that they will have to consciously disagree with and not accept, even if others are accepting them.

There are some things that are so built into our thinking now that we have accepted them as absolute truth without necessarily realizing it. These things are widely accepted and anyone who does not agree with them would be considered out of touch or incorrect.

• The world is round
• Humans, plants, and animals need food, water, and oxygen to survive
• Humans are made up mostly of water and salt
• Humans require a heart, oxygen, and blood to survive
• There are toxic and deadly things in our world
• Physical life comes to an end

Our belief about truth and whether it is absolute and where it comes from/can be found affects our faith and spiritual life. The statement above about physical life coming to an end may be seen as an absolute truth in our world, but the next step beyond that involves questions about what physical life is, if there is such a thing as reincarnation, if the spirit is different from the physical, if an afterlife exists, when people move to that afterlife, and what that afterlife might be like in both experience and what the requirements are that get a person there.

Over 25 years ago I made a choice to accept an absolute truth in my life, I accepted Jesus Christ was real, was God’s Son, paid a ransom for my life, and I chose to commit my life to the teachings of Christianity and to a life of following and believing in God and his ways. Since that time I have never doubted that God existed, cared for me, and was both the creator of the universe (including me) and the ultimate source of good, life, power, hope, and love. I accepted the Bible as his teachings, the church as the manner in which people have learned to gather and share about God and learn to live out Christianity, and that a true life devoted to this involved much more than just attending church each Sunday. However, there was a truth I had not accepted. I had not accepted that Scripture (the Bible) was absolute truth. I had read parts of it and did not understand so I chose not to believe. I found parts of it too difficult so I avoided and denied them. I believed that man had written it and therefore it couldn’t be without issue. I had chosen to accept that Scripture held some truth but finding what was truth in it and sorting through that was so difficult that 1) I couldn’t do it alone, 2) I would not be able to understand it in this lifetime, 3) That God didn’t want us to understand certain things, and 4) that it didn’t really apply to my life.

My belief that Scripture did not hold absolute truth shaped and affected my thinking tremendously over the last 25 years. While I believed in God, committed my life to the teachings of Christ, and authentically sought to follow God to the best of my knowledge and ability I was not turning to the greatest resource I had to help me learn, grow, change, and become like God. This summer Scripture has become an absolute truth in my life, and I believe the truth in it can show us the source of truth, life, hope, and promise. The Bible says it is living and active, and in that it can change us, grow us, and lead us to a closer walk with God. The Bible says it is truth, and that truth will set us free. This shift in thinking resulted in a paradigm shift that has absolutely transformed my life and I now am able to stand firm against a great deal of untruth, confusion, and misinformation that others try to teach me and speak into my life because I know where to find truth. It has resolved a great deal of confusion and disillusionment that used to be in my life and a sense of skepticism that I never seemed to be able to overcome. I use Scripture to test what others tell me, and ask those who try to speak spiritually into my life to use scripture to make their points and support their decisions or actions. If we claim to be followers of Christ and are not willing to use his Word like this then we are missing the power of his truth.

Do you feel held captive? In bondage? Imprisoned? Depressed? Without hope? Confused? Lost?
Do you want that to change? Have you struggled to find a real way to change?

If so, take a look at how you view truth, what you believe is truthful, and if you believe in absolute truth? What you believe, whether you are aware consciously of your beliefs or not, affects you and it is leading your thinking and affecting your actions and emotions tremendously.

 

Changing the Power and Control of Your Past

Have you reached a point where you desire to stop thinking about your past story? Have you struggled to stop thinking about it, resolve it, and get it out of your head? Have you reached a point of acceptance that your story is your story with all the good, bad, and even the unresolved parts?

Here are some steps you might think and work through to take a new step forward.

1. Disconnect from your story – How do you identify with your story? Do you think it defines you, or is it just one aspect of who you are that can be seen from different perspectives? If you think the abuse/trauma/situation you went through or find yourself in is ‘who you are’ then you are giving it control. You are making it the source of direction, power, and focus in your life. Can you adjust your attitude and viewpoint so that you can regain control and perspective keeping any “victim” through patterns at bay?

Some of us like our stories, they give us something to connect with and identify with. For some of us the story gives us a history, uniqueness, distinction, and it can actually become a point that feeds our ego, or gives us a level of control both in situations and even over other people. Only you can decide if you are ready to disconnect from your story and take the next step.

2. Decide if you want to be free – Sometimes sub-consciously we are choosing not to disconnect from our problems and our past, after-all, they are our story. You have to decide whether you want to be free.  Do you want your ongoing mind activity, mixed up feelings, stress, sleeplessness, depression, etc. to end, or you are holding on to it because it is giving you an ego boost, a level of control, or an excuse to stay set in our ways.

Take time to connect deep inside to your core thoughts and feelings. Be honest with yourself and find out if you really are at a point to move on, both forgetting and forgiving. Until you are ready you will not be able to be free. Your problems may be giving you something to do in life, or they may be keeping you from pushing for something different. Are you allowing them to hold you back, or are you choosing to believe your story can actually enable and empower you to be used for something greater?

3. Let go – When we are ready to let go we reach a point of resolve in our heart and our mind to no longer let our story, other people, or circumstances control and dictate our lives. It isn’t just about reaching a point of letting go and being left with empty hands, but it also is reaching a point of taking hold of a new future, a new direction, and a different ongoing story.  Letting go is about leaving what was and embracing to move forward to what will become. It is the first major step in creating a new and different story.

4. Accept your story and your current life – Acceptance means you no longer resist the situation (either the past or the present/current). It doesn’t mean you don’t try to grow, change, and learn from it, but you stop fighting, denying, and avoiding what has already happened and you don’t blame or manipulate the situation. Accepting allows us to let those things that occupy our minds and battle within our souls come to a rest. You won’t have to battle yourself, others, or your past any longer, because instead you allow the memories, thoughts, feelings, and facts to become real, have a place to fit in the painting and fabric of your life, and as they blend in and become part of the bigger picture they lose their prominence as something that stands out, becoming blurred and incorporated into a large and beautiful piece of art.

No matter your faith stance or religious beliefs these steps can help you move past the power and control of your past so you no longer walk with a victim mindset and live in powerlessness. I personally believe that if you incorporate Christ into each of these steps allowing him to have control, to provide freedom, to be what you grab onto when you let go, and give you the strength and surrender to accept your story and life …. Well then you will see a new life, a life that is truly different and transformed. No matter how you walk that journey I hope and pray your life will grow better and you will find beauty, promise, hope, and transformation for a hope-filled and incredible future.

 

Trapped in Silence

One of the struggles that victims of any abuse may suffer from is being trapped in a web of silence. Consider the child whose father has started sexually abusing them. Telling anyone about the abuse speaks against their own father. It could hurt him, damage and change the family, bring insult or accusations against the victim, or the victim may not even be believed.

The same is true with spiritual abuse, but in some ways that trap of silence is even worse because as a Christian your integrity and character are brought into question if you speak out. Some Christians will tell you that it is wrong to speak anything about a leader that could damage their reputation or ministry. What then is the victim to do? Are they trapped in silence forever? Do they have to only tells pieces of their story, hide their identity, or walk without honesty and transparency to protect others who did them injury? It is a very difficult situation to sort through how to love others, be honest, not walk as a victim in destructive silence, and not do things that cause others hurt and pain.

Some of the questions that might be asked regarding breaking the silence are below. I do not believe there is a right answer about how, when, or if you should or can break the silence but there are situations where it should happen.

Is it okay to share the truth? Is there a way that truth can be shared in love?

Will this hurt anyone? Is there a way to tell it that will not hurt them?

Why should I share this? Does truth need to be spoken? Does sin need to be confronted? Does illegal activity need to be revealed?

What is the heart behind telling the story? Are you seeking revenge/reconciliation/protection for others/clearing your name/damage toward another? Does your answer to the last question bring up any red flags regarding why you may want to speak out?

Is there proof regarding the story?

Will others believe the story?

Are you ready for the reaction from others who may be upset by sharing the story?

Do you have anything to hide? Is there any part of the story that you do not want to come out?

Is there a venue for sharing the story that is correct? Would the smallest audience possible be the best place to start?

Are you ready to love, forgive, and find reconciliation with the abusers? Are you willing to go to whatever length necessary to resolve the situation?

Are you in a right relationship with God and do you have Scriptural support for your decision?

 

Recently in a conversation with a counselor about the situation at my last church they came to understand that I felt completely trapped in silence because I do not want to hurt that pastor or that church, while at the same time I am struggling with a great sense of being powerless regarding how to move forward and take the next steps in my recovery and healing. As he processed things he came to realize that what I experienced is similar to rape (if you don’t know the effects on the victim are very similar to rape or incest and recovery is often similar too) and one of the keys for recovery for a rape victim is recovering a sense of power over their lives and circumstances. I have learned that people from that church went to serve last night at a local organization I have served with regularly since leaving that church. I have not yet had to face a group of people from that church but that day may come. Do I need to be the victim and be powerless in that situation? How could I respond in both truth, love, and grace if faced with it.

These are tough questions, but worth wrestling through as the answers reveal a lot about the heart, the areas that still need healing, where you are finding hope, and if you are truly forgiving and moving on.

 

Fighting Disillusionment

Disillusionment is defined as disenchantment, a freeing or a being freed from illusion or conviction.

A common response to spiritual abuse, being damaged or hurt by a church, or even just dealing with significant conflict within a church or with church leaders is dealing with feelings of disillusionment. You thought the church or the people were different than they now seem and you are left asking questions if you want anything to do with them or any other church or person with those beliefs. You may not even be sure what you believe any longer.

Disillusionment, disenchantment, and other similar thoughts and feelings are not wrong. Being honest about feeling them is an important part of coming to terms with what has happened and working through it. It is important to be honest about your feelings and how they show themselves in your thoughts. Taking a hard look at them and working through to the roots of what is behind it will lead to real healing and hope.

Finally, we lose our wrong ideas of God in church. (Thank God!) What makes this so difficult is how much we invested of our lives into a certain way of following Jesus, into certain applications equivocal truths, only to realize much of it was foolishness or perhaps even wrong.  We feel betrayed by a church tradition, a leader, or even God himself.  We realize God truly is much larger and more incomprehensible than we thought.  We lose or allusions about this new family of Jesus, the church.  It is not a perfect family with perfect people as we expected.  In fact people disappoint us.  At times, we are bewildered and shocked by their lack of awareness and sin (evil). Every person who lives in community with other believers, sooner or later, experiences the disillusionment and grief that accompanies it. (Emotionally Healthy Spirituality by Peter Scazzero)

I have been told that it is very typical for people who have been abused to take 5-10 years to return to a church after they have been hurt, and many times they only become marginally involved. Some people choose to walk away from their faith, organized religion, or anything similar to where they were hurt all together. I have heard some people say they are willing to return, but had to choose a church style that was quite opposite from where they were hurt. There is no single right answer to any of those decisions and it will depend on the people and the situations involved to determine what is right in each case.

Disillusionment is a loss.  It is that dreadful time of sorrow when you grieve the death of dream sensations of what could have been.  And it is that will only.  Of mourning the death of relationships with those who once were among your closest friends and coworkers in pursuing the big, exciting dreams the captured your heart.  Except for the physical death of a loved one, I don’t know if there is a pain that is sharper or more penetrating than this wound to the heart.  Fortunately for us it is a process that will end, and there is a wonderful place of tenderness on the other side if we have the courage and will to face the anguish along the way. (Cages of Pain by Gordon Aeschliman)

Disillusionment can lead to some deep and difficult soul searching, but it can be very good. The question is how to respond to the disillusionment. As Sarah Cunningham states, there is a hopeful way to look at it and I hope each of us can get there in our own times of struggle and then can turn to others and help them. “Disillusionment with the way things are in the church can also inspire us to improve and deepen our involvement in Christ’s mission.” (Dear Church: Letters from a Disillusioned Generation by Sarah Cunningham)