Removing the Grave Clothes

In addition to the twelve men who walked daily with Jesus here on earth, he also had a few friends. The closest friends were probably Martha, Mary, and Lazarus. They are mentioned in several stories in the New Testament, and the death of Lazarus shows the grief the sisters felt when their brother died.

In John 11 Jesus is told of Lazarus’s death and he goes to visit the sisters.

So they took away the stone. Then Jesus looked up and said, “Father, I thank you that you have heard me. I knew that you always hear me, but I said this for the benefit of the people standing here, that they may believe that you sent me.” When he had said this, Jesus called in a loud voice, “Lazarus, come out!” The dead man came out, his hands and feet wrapped with strips of linen, and a cloth around his face. Jesus said to them, “Take off the grave clothes and let him go.” (John 11:41-44)

When Lazarus emerged from the tomb he still was wearing his grave clothes. He still was connected to what had happened to him in the past, but Christ wanted him to free, he wanted the past to be left behind so that Lazarus could have a new life.

When we become Christians we are made new. We no longer have to be tied to our past. Christ wants us to leave it behind. Many of us have not been taught that what was in the past can be completely left behind and we can let go so we can walk into a new life. We feel bound by our past, our families beliefs, the culture we live in, or just by our own ignorance and how to live as a believer who lives daily in faith. We may take steps forward and live free for a time, but we may also fall and stumble back into certain thinking or behaviors at future points in our faith because to live the new life we need to walk in it every single day. Circumstances of difficult seasons, trauma, or misunderstanding may derail us from the conviction that we have a former way of life and Christ has opened the door for a brand new way.

“You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.” (Ephesians 4:22-24)

Are you still bound by your grave clothes? Have you let go of your former way of life, put off your old ways, and accepted that Christ has offered you something new? Do you even know how to accept his gift so that it will allow you to be unbound and free? Christ has offered to take off the grave clothes so we can have a new life, we just need to accept that. It is okay to strip off those grave clothes and be set free.

 

The Heart vs. Our Focus: Are They Connected?

I have posted several times about the condition of our heart and how it connects to our decisions, actions, thoughts, etc. Our actions, including our words will reflect our heart and what is inside. It is not a completely accurate gauge as there can be things that impact how others perceive us or things that can hinder our communication from accurately reflecting our heart, but it is a tool we can use to evaluate both our own heart and that of others. (Be careful about judging others by this tool alone though!)

Yesterday I read something about the verse “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” (Matthew 6:21)

The verse makes it clear that there is a connection between our hearts and what we treasure, but it leaves a question that we should ponder.

Does your heart lead you to what you treasure, or does what you treasure affect your heart?

“Where your treasure is” is commonly interpreted as referring to the things we value. That means the verse could be read as “Those things we value and focus on affect our heart.” I think that is true, but if we consider the heart first it could be said that “The condition of our heart affects what we value and focus on.”

Scripture is pretty clear that our heart is key to our walk with God and our beliefs.

Do you think our heart leads our focus, or our focus leads our heart? Do we need to have a clear answer, or is it okay to just accept that both the heart and our focus are important?

 

Just rambling about the journey of restoration

I watched a Hallmark movie yesterday called Head of the Class. It is about a man with Tourette’s Syndrome, a neurological disorder that causes the person to feel uncontrolled urges to make noises and movements. They often come out as ticks, pops, chirps, barks, or other uncommon movements and noises. Sometimes Tourette’s is present in conjunction with another disorder that results in the person saying unwelcome/rude/vulgar words.

As I watched the movie I was struck with a great deal of emotion and I didn’t understand why. As I continued to watch but also paid attention to what I was feeling I realized it was due to the lack of acceptance this man faced due to his disorder. He was doing all he could to work through his issues, did his best to control the movements and sounds, and had a great attitude regarding his disorder, but even when he tried to educate others about the disorder he often faced adversity.

What I finally realized is this is some of how I have felt over the last few years as I have tried to seek help, find acceptance, and work through my healing after abuse. So many times others would express they didn’t know why I couldn’t just get over it and move on. I was told I was making too big a deal about it. I was told I was living in fear and it was holding me back. Many times others couldn’t accept me where I was at, and if they couldn’t accept me they wouldn’t walk with me. Some people, like my last pastor, thought they could walk with me but when difficulties arose he got tired, frustrated, and angry and eventually just wanted me to go away.

Sharing is a risk in any relationship, for any person. We are individual people, so to open up our heart and mind to share with another means we have to make a choice to take those steps. Sometimes when we share we will find acceptance and love. It may be for just a moment, or it may grow into a greater relationship. In other cases when we risk sharing a struggle, fault, opinion, or sin we may immediately lose stock value in the eyes and heart of the other person. They may treat us differently because inside they have decided we are unsafe, unhealthy, not as worthy of love, or unwelcome in their life.

This journey of healing from disillusionment is not easy. There will be people we meet along that way who will not accept us, even if we do all we can to work through our issues. Even if we are trying our best there will be others who decide they can not be a part of the journey with us. That needs to be okay. It will hurt, and if they have already started to be someone you can trust it may feel like betrayal and abandonment. Like the man in the movie though I hope as we continue to go through the journey we can have a viewpoint where we look at what we have learned: never to give up, not to let our abuse/pain/disillusionment/…. win, not to let it stop you from trying again.

Today my hope for all those who are struggling on this journey feeling pain, disillusionment, fatigue, heartache, anguish, confusion, hopelessness, helplessness, loneliness, etc. is that the cloud will lift even just a little and they will find the courage to take another step.

 

I Do Believe….

I love this video because it reminds me of the power of faith. While I do not believe in fairies, I do believe in Christ. As you watch the clip notice how faith moves Peter from a point of despair to joy and hope. His belief became contagious to others, and the power of his “prayer” worked a miracle.

So, some days when I struggle with believing I can find myself chanting:

I do believe, I do, I do. I do believe, I do, I do!

 

Changing Thinking 5) Believing God

A few years ago I was introduced to the idea that instead of just believing IN God, we need to believe God.

When we decide to believe in Christ and accept him as our Lord and Savior, becoming a Christian, we make a choice to believe IN God. We believe he exists, he is someone we want to relate to, and we value his leadership in our life. That doesn’t mean we believe Him though. There is someone in your life that you know, you can touch, you listen to and share with, but you do not believe everything they say. Maybe you are just skeptical, maybe they have hurt you, or maybe it is just an occasion where they are pulling your leg or doing a practical joke.

As we grow to know and understand who God is we should be learning that God never lies, never pulls practical jokes (although I do believe he has an incredible sense of humor), never seeks to hurt us, and will never fail us or leave us. Did you get that? God NEVER does those things. He doesn’t slip up. He doesn’t have a bad day. He doesn’t get stressed out or overwhelmed.

If God NEVER fails us then we can grow to believe in all he says. Every word is truth.

There are a few steps to powerfully believing God:

1. Listen to what God says
2. Accept that it is true
3. Act on what you believe

It is easy to forget to act on your belief, but that is where the real power of believing comes in.

If we believe that something is hot we learn to take actions to avoid being hurt. If we believe something is sinful, and sin breaks relationship with God and others we will take action to avoid it. If we believe that we supposed to love our neighbor we will demonstrate that through our actions. If we believe that we should guard our communication and speak only words of grace our words will show that. If we believe that God loves us, will change us, and answers our prayers we will take actions to correspond to that believe.

Are you actually believing God, or just believing IN God? In Mark 9:24 the father realized that although he knew how to believe IN God, he needed help to change so that he would actually believe God.

His prayer was, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” Do you need to join me in saying that prayer today?

 

What can be shared?

I received information today about the “charges” from my last church. The information still is not concrete with specific actions that I did and how that was sinful, but instead are vague generalities about the pastors’ struggle to communicate with me and how he had heard from others in the church that I was sharing that there were communication difficulties between us. So I have been charged with 1) lack of submission 2) spreading discord.

The counselor who communicated this to me has again asked for specifics from the elders about who I spoke to and what discord I spread but as it took eight months to reach this point I doubt we will get anything more. They have stated that I am not repentant and that my communication to others about what has occurred is clear evidence of that. They are very upset that I have expressed to them that others who I have turned to for counsel feel I have been abused, that the pastor has issues with women, and that there are cult like practices in the church. Those are not my statements, but have come from others. The leaders will not communicate with me directly, but they do not want me communicating to others to process through things, seek input about what I have done and how I can change, or even share my story and glorify God.

I again struggle to know where that line is between sharing openly and transparently about our journey and story, and not spreading discord. It seems like it comes down to the heart that it is shared with. If we are sharing with a heart to hurt others or slander their name then that is wrong, but if we are seeking to be open and transparent it seems like that is honest and can be used to help others grow and heal. I recently heard someone express that we are called to be open and vulnerable, but we don’t need to be naked (share everything).

Does anyone have thoughts about what is appropriate to share and in what settings?

I don’t want to hurt anyone or cause disunity but it doesn’t seem right that I never am able to share about my story either. I want to glorify God and be obedient to him in all I do, and I feel like my story could bring hope and healing to some others who have walked through similar paths of pain and disillusionment.

 

Two different answers

When I was in college I, like most students, took classes in different subject areas (departments) at the same time. I was a double major, but also had to meet all the prerequisites to graduate, so often I was taking four classes and was studying from 3 or 4 different subject areas at one time.

In the later part of my freshman year I learned a very valuable lesson that I have revisited several times in life. I had papers that were due in two different classes at about the same time. I was writing for both my English class and my Sociology class. Being a fairly good and very dedicated student I put my best effort into both papers and turned them in on time. A few days later I received both papers back.

Paper #1 the teacher gave me a moderate grade, told me that he felt my writing style needed work, said that I was not writing to an audience, and reflected that I did not cover my subject completely.

Paper #2 the teacher gave me a high grade, told me that my writing style was very easy to read and that I had done a great job on the paper.

Two different papers, two different subject matters. Two different answers.

The lesson I learned that day had to do with perspective. While there were different papers and different subject matters, there were also two different readers (my professors). One reader liked my style and connected with me, the other did not.

As we go through life we will find people who we connect with and others we do not, or others that we do not connect as well with/it is harder to connect with. I am learning that again as I am getting connected into a new church. At my last church I loved the people, I tried to make relationships work, and I was very committed. Just like with my paper I put forth the best effort I could at that time (which was somewhat limited since I was in a difficult season), but things didn’t click. Even today the leaders of that church speak negatively about me. Yesterday I received a message from my new pastor. In just a few words he expressed more care and acceptance to me than I have received in a very long time, “I’m grateful for your heart more than anything. It’s beautiful how he brought you into our presence. So grateful you’re with us.”

Two different churches, two different viewpoints toward God’s word. Two different answers.

 

Have you stood up?

You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.

Winston Churchill

 

Changing Thinking: 4) Managing desires

This morning I was listening to a talk where a spouse shared the deep expectations they held for their 25th wedding anniversary. Expectations they did not realize were even there until they found they were feeling upset, uncared for, and as if their spouse was not meeting their needs. The expectations could have derailed things and caused great problems, but instead they dealt with them head on and accepted them for what they were.

We all have desires for things. Desires are not wrong. They are natural, and even are healthy. As we grow in our relationship with God our desires will become more and more like his. Scripture says, “Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.” (Psalm 37:4)

We need to be on guard though because a desire that is not from God can lead to a battle, a battle for control and for your heart.

You start with a desire, but as that desire goes unmet it becomes a demand. For example, we move from I desire ice cream tonight to a point of I need to get ice cream. The demand is typically expressed as a need. (“I need this respect.” “I need a raise.” “I need time with my spouse.” “I need this person to listen to me.”)

This demand and place of “need” moves me to a place of expectations. We can reach a point of expecting respect, praise, time, benefits, love, etc. When that doesn’t happen we come to a place of unfulfilled expectations which lead to disappointment. We can feel down, hurt, lonely, lost, angry, and resentful. Our emotions can tell us that we deserved something and didn’t get it so someone else has not fulfilled their function correctly. They did not meet our need, so now somewhere inside we hurt, stew, sulk, or even plot revenge. Ultimately we may lash out with a form of punishment. We want others to feel bad or to pay for not meeting our need. We then withhold our relationship, communicate less, and quarrel/fight with others. Sometimes that is done outwardly in a verbal interchange, and others times we may withdraw and punish the other person through lack of communication and interaction.

It all starts with our desire.

Desires are good. Desires are normal. Desires are healthy.

Check yourself though because a desire that is unmet may become a demand toward others.

 

The sweet taste of revenge…I found it isn’t really sweet

One of the struggles I have wrestled through during my recovery over the last five years has been the idea of revenge or retaliation. It isn’t something I have come out and shared with others. It isn’t something I feel good about at all! It is that deep dark secret I have tried to hide because it shows me the depth of my heart and how sick it is. I have carried shame and guilt for these feelings. I have felt so despicable for the thoughts, but I have also had to come to terms with the fact that my feelings were real, and if I did not deal with them now they would just show up later in some other form.

What do I mean by revenge in the context of my spiritual abuse and struggle with church leaders?

I have been tempted to want to make them pay for what they did to me. I have wanted to tell others how I have been wronged in a manner that hurt and slandered the leaders.  I have wanted to smash windows, flatten tires, destroy property, slap them in public, or pour a drink over their head. The week I was suicidal I even thought about where I could die so they would find the body and feel the guilt over my death.

First, know that I feel horrible for every thought that went through my heart and mind. The thoughts were wrong! They were sinful! They hurt my relationship with those from my past church and they hurt my relationship with God. I have repented of those thoughts and have worked with God over why I ever even had to experience the thoughts and feelings, because while the world might tell me it is okay to think and feel them, just not to act on them (some would say it is even okay to act on them), I don’t feel that God’s word agrees. Yes I had been traumatized and hurt. Yes there are things others did that I consider wrong, but I did things wrong also. I can’t cast a stone at them knowing the sin and issues in my own life.

I haven’t known what to do with these thoughts and feelings though.

They were strongest at first. I was in so much pain from how I was mistreated that pain was all I could think of. My pain, wanting to give them pain. I knew it was wrong but I still thought it and felt it. I would try to force the feelings to go away. That doesn’t work. I would deny it was there. That doesn’t work. I would try to express it through writing or some other means. That at best was a temporary relief. I would lay awake at night feeling sick because of the thoughts. I would catch myself during the day wishing something bad upon someone.

Ultimately I had to deal with my heart. I had to make a choice to forgive. I had to make a choice to love. Even if they never spoke to me again I had to forgive them for me. My pain was eating me up inside and costing me tremendously. I had to find freedom because I was trapped in pain. I had to let go and surrender my right to get even. I had to surrender every vindictive, vial, cruel, hateful, evil, malicious, angry, painful, unloving thought and feeling.

It was hard! Very, very hard!

Today, I don’t live with the burden of revenge in my heart. I do not feel the hatred, but honestly feel love, compassion, grace, and forgiveness. That doesn’t mean that I don’t experience moments where my heart wants to deceive and betray me again, especially if some new negative aspect arises. That doesn’t mean that I don’t still have to fight for forgiveness and love. It is a choice.

Every day I choose to love, I choose to forgive, I choose to hope for reconciliation.

The reconciliation likely will never come as the elders have cut me off from any further contact with the pastor, and this week they were supposed to finally present the charges against me  (that should have been given eight months ago), but that didn’t happen. However, because I have chosen love and because I have hope in Christ and the Gospel I have hope that some day their hearts will be drawn to the Lord and they will forgive.

Revenge …. retaliation … hatred … pain … … … I have given them up and am trying to live with my eyes on the Lord.