Survival skills to avoid trouble

The information below is from a book called Broken Hearts Shattered Trust: Workplace Abuse of Staff in the Church by Dr. John K. Setser. Although it is written about church staff it also applies to volunteers who serve in toxic environments, and even to those who are just attending a church that is toxic. There are many wonderful churches out there, but if you are a part of a toxic church the effects can be far reaching and deeply impactful. Please take care of yourself but maintain perspective that when you are hurt, stressed, and in pain it is easy to lash out and feel things are worse off than they are. Turn to others for support and perspective.

Staff associates who work in toxic church environments can implement six survival skills that will help them avoid trouble.
1. Do not accept abusive treatment as normal. Resist cruelty, coercion, threat, inequity, constraint, and completion.
2. Recognize wounding agents for who they are. They are self-centered bullies who use sexual, physical, verbal, or psychological strategies to get what they want.
3. Be alert to being “set up.” Do not let senior pastors indoctrinate or psychologically coerce you into compliance.
4. Seek out lateral support system. If you are being mistreated, chances are you are not alone. Ignore the “don’t talk” rule and share your experiences with others. Wounding senior pastors can sometimes be stopped if they are confronted by a unified group.
5. Watch your heart. Do not give into self-pity, rage, or a judgmental attitude. Jesus calls us to pray and look to Him. He works all things for good.
6. Don’t stay too long. It is never God’s will for you to remain in a wounding church. Exit as soon as possible and tell people why you are leaving.

 

Control environments and unresolved sin

Hear us when we emphatically state that no control environment is spiritually healthy. None. All control environments are in fact an evidence of unresolved sin. Are we speaking about God-given convictions? Not at all. Godly men and women have profound convictions. But when in the name of conviction we are controlling others, we can be sure that the “conviction” does not come from God. It comes from an unresolved life issue. Don’t stay in an environment where those in responsible places need to control. No matter how godly they may seem, their influence is like spiritual kryptonite. It slowly drains away our joy and leaves us forgetting who we really are. Controllers get their way because someone submits to them. Controllers play off of the despair of a person who feels helpless, out of control, unable to fix his or her life. These victims tell themselves, “All somebody has to do is to tell me how to live and then I can hold them responsible for my life.” Now the deal is struck and the unspoken agreement between victim and his or her controller begins.

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When we have unresolved sin, we rob others of the opportunity to heal and mature in those same areas of our unresolved sin. One of the greatest opportunities we have as humans is to give others hope that the painful and destructive issue of life can be resolved. But if we have unresolved sin, we can never transfer the reality of that hope. We also cannot give direction or true correction to others struggling with sin when we are trapped in our own. Whew! Take a moment to contemplate the reality of that last sentence on those you influence.

(Quotes are from TrueFaced: Trust God and Others With Who You Really Are by Thrall, McNicol, and Lynch)

 

Book resources

One of the things that has been most helpful to me is finding people who understand what I have experienced, and resources that speak into my story or can help me to process what I have been through. Spiritual Abuse is something that is not widely talked about, and where it is talked about it is often thought of in relation to cults, closed communities, or controlling environments. Abuse can happen in any environment and can be delivered by people that appear to be loving, kind, and normal by most people’s standards.

The books below are some resources I have found that have helped me along my journey. Each one has it’s own message that speaks into some side of the issue. No single resource can speak into every situation but by using different resources and looking for what applies to your situation you can find help. Please know you are not alone on this journey. There are people who understand and who want to help.

 Toxic Faith: Expriencing Healing from Painful Spiritual Abuse

 Toxic Churches: Restoration from Spiritual Abuse

 Bring ‘Em Back Alive: A Healing Plan for Those Wounded by the Church

 Faithquake: Rebuilding Your Faith After Tragedy Strikes

 Waking the Dead: The Glory of a Heart Fully Alive

 Who Can You Trust?: Overcoming Betrayal and Fear

 Messy Spirituality: God’s Annoying Love for Imperfect People

 The Wounded Spirit

 Shattered Dreams: God’s Unexpected Pathway to Joy

 Hiding from Love: How to Change the Withdrawal Patterns That Isolate and Imprison You

  Get Out of That Pit: Straight Talk About God’s Deliverance

 Total Forgiveness Experience: A Study Guide To Repairing Relationships

 Connecting: Healing for Ourselves and Our Relationships a Radical New Vision 

The Wounded Heart: Hope for Adult Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse

 How To Mend A Broken Heart

 

Seabiscuit - A story of redemption

Seabiscuit is one of my favorite movies because it represents such a real image of life. I am not a horse racing fan, but the overall message of hope and promise in the movie really touches me. It is a story about three men and a horse who are all banged up and broken. Like us, these men and this horse have walked through hardships and they show the scars and pain of that. Seabiscuit had been bought and sold repeatedly, had failed to perform, and had taken to heart that failure and worthlessness. He was actually trained to lose so he would help others win. He was frightened, bruised, and defiant until trainer Tom Smith and jockey Red Pollack come along.

Here are some quotes from Tom about Seabiscuit.
Tom Smith: “You don’t throw away a whole life just ’cause it’s banged up a little.”
Tom Smith: “You don’t throw away a whole life just because it has a few bumps.”
Tom Smith: “He just needs to learn how to be a horse, again.”
Tom Smith: “He’s so beat up it’s hard to tell what he’s like. He’s forgotten what he was born to do. He just needs to learn how to be a horse again.”

All of us get beaten up, bruised and damaged in the course of life. We need to believe that we are not defined by that. We may be misunderstood and mishandled, we may even loose our way for a time, but God has created us with purpose. God doesn’t “throw away a whole life just ’cause it’s banged up a little.” He believes our lives are worth redeeming. He believe we are worth a second chance and a little help. We may have to learn how to be a man/woman again, but he is willing to walk through that with us.

George Eliot says, “It’s never too late to be who you might have been.” Trust God for a new future, a future where you relearn, renew, and are restored to your true worth. If you have forgotten what you were born to do, you need to relearn, and God can teach you. Let him speak into your life. Let him show you how He sees you. It will change your life.

A couple sermons that share more about Seabiscuit and how the movie speaks about God’s ’s love:
Seabiscuit: From the Series—God at the Box Office http://theaterchurch.com/evotional/article/seabiscuit
Sailing Through the Storms of Life: Seabiscuit http://www.sermoncentral.com/sermon.asp?SermonID=116000

 

Animals….humans….a caring heart might look the same

I have a huge caring heart for others, especially those who have experienced pain, suffering, and loss. Not only do I care about people, but I also care about animals. At one time I strongly considered becoming a vetrinarian. I have supported a large animal sanctuary and care organization called Best Friends. They are located in Utah. As I was reading their latest newsletter I was reminded of how traumatized animals and traumatized people are in need of very similar care. Many of the animals Best Friends receives have been physcially, emotionally, or psychologically affected by disaster, abuse, neglect, or accidental trauma. They help animals that have no other hope and who are labeled as “beyond help”. How often are people, even in our churches told similar things?

Here are some tips they provided for rescuers. I think they apply for both animals and humans.

• Think of every animal/person as an individual - don’t make assumptions and give them all the time you can
• Ignore all bad behavior - don’t react to bad behavior
• Go slow - distract them and help them focus on something else
• “Can’t see me!” - a physical barrier or not being in the center of attention may provide comfort or a sense of security
• Get help from another animal/person - a companion may provide support and comfort
• Get help from volunteers - the needs are great, it takes many people to provide the best care and support
• Relationship -  there is a need to open up to relationship - we are not designed to go through life alone

 

We can be healed, but there may be bumps along the way

A couple weeks ago I was told that the pastor I have turned to for support, direction, and understanding as I have been trying to heal and restore trust in the church and church leaders no longer wants relationship. From what I have been told I emailed him too much, overstepped boundaries, and there is a feeling that our interactions are “unhealthy”. On one side I am angry, on another side I understand and agree. I have been very honest with him that relationship with me would be ugly and messy. Of course it is unhealthy, I am wounded/broken/damaged and trying to heal. Either way I look at it though I am faced with some really tough questions and there is no one to answer them but me.

• What does it mean to trust a church leader/pastor?
• What should our response be when we are hurt? Forgiveness? Anger?
• What if those who hurt you seem to be making “worldly” decisions instead of “Godly” decisions? (e.g. their responses are very self-centered and don’t match scripture)
• If church leaders don’t trust you then can you stay at a church?
• If you fail at multiple churches is there reason to believe the next church will be different?
• If you ask others what you are doing wrong and they can’t come up with specifics how can you discover what to change?

I have done a lot of reading over the past few years regarding healing hurts, forgiving, restoring trust, and recovering from trauma. One of the things that has been repeated in various texts is the idea that if we are wounded in relationship, it is through relationship that we will be healed. The hard part is that we have been wounded and will not function well in the next relationships so we are likely to mess the next relationships up. This can become a cycle of broken relationships, poor decisions, more broken relationships, more poor decisions, etc.

Something I have not seen written anywhere is the idea that if we are wounded in a church/ministry/spiritual environment it is through a church/ministry/spiritual environment that we will be healed. I have known for three years that the root of my issues are spiritual. I have tried repeatedly to tell that to others but no one seems to understand. I have been in counseling and my counselor spends more time telling me what is wrong with the people I choose to trust and spend time with than telling me anything about me.

The process of healing, growing, changing, and recovering can be tough, messy, ugly, and painful. Sometimes there are bumps along the road. Sometimes there are bloody accidents that take your breath away. Don’t lose heart. If you are breathing and living then you still have a chance for things to change. It takes work, humility, brutal honesty, and deep looks inside but no matter how long you have been in bondage or lived in brokenness you can change! I have been living in sin now for over 25 years and those chains are starting to break and I am finding new life. More of that story to come soon.

 

A step in any direction may be a move forward

The last two weeks have been a difficult journey and I am feeling pretty disheartened. Dealing with struggles in life is difficult. We all have to do it at times. Sometimes those struggles pass easily, and sometimes they are a long and strenuous course.

 

I have been doing some reading and thinking about people that have been hurt by the church and by man. There are so many hurting, disappointed, lonely, and struggling people out there. As a global church I am not seeing that we are doing well at responding to that. Yesterday I read a blog of people who had left the Mormon church. Most of them have not returned to any church and do not think they ever will, a few had attended a Unitarian church, and only one had gone to a Christian church. Today I read a blog about the World Church of God and how hurt some people have been by that organization.

 

Many of those who have been hurt are angry, bitter, and broken. The pain they have experienced has so deeply rooted into their hearts that they speak ill about those that have hurt them, or say words about others that could be slanderous.

God’s word tells me that I am called to love others. That is God’s heart for how we are relate to others here on earth. I have been hurt by others, and even in my current church I can feel judged and criticized, and the actions of others have caused me to stumble in my walk and in my recovery. I am realizing again that our churches and organizations are filled with people who are going to fail us. I was hurt, and because of that I want a safe place and I want to know others care for me and about me. I want to be embraced for who I am and encouraged to be all that God calls me to be. I want to see others walking faithfully in their walk with God, and yet often it feels like we are surrounded by others who also do not have this life with God figured out.

 

Relationships are hard, healing is difficult, and trusting again is scary. I have choices in this process though. No one has taken those choices from me. I can choose whether to trust, whether to be involved in a church, whether to stand firm in my convictions, and whether to let others abuse me again. I can choose which church I will b a part of, how actively I want to be involved, and what people within an organization I want to relate to. I can choose to be angry and bitter, or I can choose to forgive, love, heal, and grow.

 

You too have choices. I encourage you to make ones that are positive for your situation and for your future. Don’t allow yourself to get stuck where you are at and feel hopeless. Make a choice that moves you to a place with more joy, hope, love, purpose, and peace. The choices may be difficult, but remember that if you are stuck a step in any direction is a move forward.

 

CHARACTERISTICS OF HEALTHY CHURCHES

The following is a list is presented in alphabetical order by source, not by order of importance.

The Nine Habits of Highly Effective Churches — George Barna

1. They rely upon strategic leadership.
2. They are organized to facilitate highly effective ministry.
3. They emphasize developing significant relationships within the congregation.
4. They invest themselves in genuine worship
5. They engage in strategic evangelism.
6. They get their people involved in systematic theological growth.
7. They utilize holistic stewardship practices.
8. They serve the needy people in their community.
9. They equip families to minister to themselves.

“Is This Body Healthy?” A Church for the 21st Century– Health Signs - Leith Anderson

1. Glorify God
2. Producing disciples
3. Exercise of spiritual gifts
4. Relating positively to one’s environment
5. Reproduction
6. Incorporation of newcomers
7. Openness to change
8. Trusting God & prayer

Twelve Keys to an Effective Church Kennon L. Callahan

1. Specific, concrete missional objectives
2. Pastoral & lay visitation
3. Corporate, dynamic worship
4. Significant relational groups
5. Strong leadership resources
6. Streamlined structure & solid, participatory decision making
7. Several competent programs & activities
8. Open accessibility
9. High visibility
10. Adequate parking, land, & landscaping
11. Adequate space & facilities
12. Solid financial resources

Marks of Church Health 21st Century Strategies — Bill Easum

1. Clear sense of mission
2. Authentic community
3. Indigenous worship
4. Lay mobilization
5. Organic structure
6. Kingdom oriented
7. Experientially focused on Jesus Christ

Ten Characteristics of a Healthy Church Vision — New England

1. God’s empowering presence
2. God-exalting worship
3. Personal disciplines
4. Learning & growing in community
5. Commitment to loving/caring relationships
6. Servant-leadership development
7. An outward focus
8. Wise administration & accountability
9. Networking with the regional church
10. Stewardship & generosity

Eight Essential Qualities of Healthy Churches– Natural Church — Christian Schwarz

1. Empowering leadership
2. Gift-oriented ministry Development
3. Passionate spirituality
4. Functional structures
5. Inspiring worship service
6. Holistic small groups
7. Need-oriented evangelism
8. Loving relationships

Characteristics of a Healthy Church — Sonlife Ministries — Dann Spader

1. Strong Christology
2. Clearly defined mission/purpose
3. Biblical strategy of a balanced win, build, & equip
4. Regularly winning the lost
5. Strategically building the believers
6. Ongoing equipping of the worker
7. Corporate & segment multiplication of shepherds
8. A broadly owned vision
9. A teachable spirit

Vital Signs of Healthy Churches — The Healthy Church — C. Peter Wagner

1. A positive pastor
2. A well-mobilized laity
3. Meeting members’ needs
4. Proper balance of the dynamic relationship between celebration, congregation and cell
5. A common homogeneous denominator
6. Effective evangelistic methods
7. Biblical priorities

The Healthy Churches Handbook by Church House Publishing on 1st April, 2004 - Rev Canon Robert Warren

1. Energized by faith
2. An outward-looking focus
3. Seeks to find out what God wants
4. Faces the cost of change and growth
5. Operates as a community
6. Makes room for all
7. Does a few things and does them well

Characteristics of a Healthy Church — Willow Creek

1. Active spiritual formation
2. Authentic community (not public)
3. Contagious evangelism
4. Mobilized spiritual gifts
5. Good stewardship
6. Strong leadership
7. Cultural relevance
8. Effective generation focused ministry
9. Collaboration and partnership

Windows into the 21st Century Church Leadership Network

1. Effective leadership
2. Lay mobilization
3. Cultural connectedness
4. Authentic community
5. Kingdom collaboration

Prepared by Rev. Dr. Ann M. Philbrick, Heartwood LLC for the Presbytery of Charlotte
http://www.presbyofcharlotte.org/portals/722/Program%20Areas/Church%20Development/SmallGroupMarksOfHealth-Analyzed.pdf

 

Seeking to understand church

Many of you came to church needing or wanting something, and you were hurt. The idea of taking a risk to return might be more than you can imagine undertaking. I have been told it is normal for it to take 3-7 years for someone to reintegrate into a church.

For some of you what you experienced at church offered nothing to give you hope, comfort, or peace. You may have been met with unfriendliness or self righteousness. Even if you did find others to share with, you may have only found explanations that the things in your life are due to lack of faith, not walking closely in relationship with God, or not taking care of yourself. Instead of providing care that treated and healed you and your “sickness”, you received theories, ideals, rules, and expectations. You may have come to church feeling discouraged, confused, lonely, fearful, or broken hearted. Those in the church may have been too busy with their own needs, agendas, traditions, or responsibilities to even notice you or to notice you were hurting. For all of that I am very sorry. The church is supposed to be something different. God’s heart for those in need, hurting, lonely, and broken is enormous but he has placed us (humans) in charge of the church and we have messed it up.

The church should be a place to provide comfort, support, encouragement, strength, love, and healing. It should be a family to those without one. It should be the guide for those that are lost. It should be a place that offers hope, joy, peace, patience, and incredible love, but unfortunately it falls short.

Don’t give up on church. Take your time to find one that is right. It is okay to ask questions, to test things, to be critical of things that could cause you to feel unsafe. There are a lot of self-righteous, hurtful people out there in positions of leadership even inside of the church. Just do not give up on a relationship with God because man has made mistakes. Man creates religion by dictating rules and telling others to live up to a standard. God accepts you exactly where you are. So if it takes a month, a year, five years, or even longer keep taking risks and trying to get back into a church. Seek out the healing you need to make it work. It is worth it!

 

Working through the questions

One of the most painful parts of the process of moving forward after experiencing a trauma (physical, spiritual, emotional, or mental) is dealing with the questions that arise.  The first, and possibly most important part of the process is accepting that questions are normal, can be very healthy, and are an expression of your quest to work through issues. Actually if you are not wrestling through some questions, doubts, fears, concerns, frustrations, anger, etc. then you are probably not working through things in a healthy way. You may be in denial or minimizing the issues. The type of questions, frequency, depth, and style will vary depending on who you are, what you have been through, what type of support system you have, and where you were at emotionally and spiritually before the abuse occurred.

In my situation the abuse occurred by trusted leaders and close friends/mentors. The situation was especially traumatic for me because the people were so close and trusted. Also, my abuse occurred in a church. That shook the foundation of my beliefs about God, the church, my faith, my understandings of God, and how I fit into the world. Even as I have walked through portions of my recovery I have learned that there are stages and layers to the questions and the healing.

It is normal for someone who has been abused spiritually to have a lot of questions about God and their faith. It is normal for someone who has been abused in any manner to have questions about how God could have allowed the abuse. It is easier to avoid the questions, to run from them, to deny them, or to give them a quick brush over than it is to consider them

“So is it any wonder that many of us do not want to ask God why?  The response we demand may be one that causes even greater pain and uncertainty.  How much easier is it to brush aside these questions and stick with the answers found in Theology 101. Considering the “answer” I received, it’s fair to ask: Is it worth asking why?  Without hesitation, I would say yes.  Asking why is important for many reasons.  It keeps our communication lines with God open and functional.  It is honest, a quality God heartily endorses.  It brings us to the core of a problem, clearing away the insignificant issues.” Doug Herman in the book Faithquake.

The questions are not easy to work through, to understand, or to get answers to, but the journey through them is one of the most valuable things you will do as you work through your healing. Hopefully you will find others to walk with you and support you through the questions and the struggle, but even if you do not have that close support pursue after the questions and the answers. You may not be at a place to consider God and his part in this, but if he is real (which I believe with all my heart) then he will be with you through this process.